Leap of Love

If you don't like the weather, wait a minute...

2011-12-30T14:28:00.000-05:00

In New England there is a saying..."If you don't like the weather, wait a minute." I think it accurately describes news in adoption.

So here is the latest update. We have been in a holding pattern. Our case mirrors another case, right down to the same witnesses. Before you cry "Foul!" if you were to hear the details...it makes sense. They were sent to USCIS. So we were trying to decide if we wait to see what would happen with them or hire the attorney and make sure our submission was as complete as possible. I believe that we are the first case to hire the attorney proactively.

One of the things we are doing is re-interviewing the witnesses with extremely detailed questions. But it has been almost 2 years. One of the witnesses may have moved, and another is not sure that they want to talk. This morning, is a good example of how it rolls...one email telling us that one of the witnesses does not want to talk to anyone. The next, saying that they have changed their mind and will talk. Then a third saying...the case that we mirror has been cleared, with out an RFE. (An answer to many prayers.) Good news also for us.

Today, I must be particularly fragile. I am tired of the ride. I just want to bring him home. I am so thankful for Kathy, our case worker, my friends who sit and listen to my complaining about the USE (thank you, Katy), and last but not least, my prayer warriors who are storming heaven with prayers. Wow, what would I do without them? So we trudge on, through the muck and mire of international adoption. I can't wait for the metaphorical rain to stop and the rainbow to appear. And stuck in my back pocket for those moments that I get pulled into the flood...and can't remember what I am holding fast to...is this scripture: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I remind myself that these words are written for Efa, too.

hmm...no, Tom Brady does not ring a bell.

mine.

Okay folks, lets get back to business at hand...football.

And then I get a glimpse of the rainbow. Pictures of our boy from Becky and CHI and a text from Emily. Efa is happy outside playing with the big boys.

6 weeks

2011-12-15T17:06:00.002-05:00

This post is all about me. I mean that in an obnoxious self-pitying transparent way. The 6 weeks since we have met our little man have been an amusement ride of emotion. The disappointment of not passing on the day of our court date gave way to the elation of passing two weeks later. Then we moved to dreaming about when we would be bringing him home. Braided in is the sadness that Efa would be leaving the only home he has known, the only woman he has known as "mom", and the "family" he has loved and been loved by. We have our birth certificate and our passport.

The ride has just gotten terrifying. Watching a friend with a different agency who traveled with us, pass court, be submitted, clear, and leave to bring home... So excited to welcome home E. (Did I mention she is the same age as Bella and I love her mom?) Watching my sweet friend Emily, pass court, be submitted, and clear (thank you Lord). We have not been submitted to embassy. I trust that our agency is doing everything they can to be submitted and successful at the embassy level.

But this brings me to my pets. We have two new pets-Discouragement and Impatience. Actually, I am not sure how new they are. They are normally caged, but they are sneaky, and often escape and run rampant in the house. They are quite destructive. The craziest things can release them. They feed on the most unexpected things...expectations are like a Red Bull to them. They go crazy! I hate admitting it. But I am truly hoping to vanquish them from the house. As I am becoming more aware of them and their triggers...I have come to realize that they did not move in just recently. They think that they have lived here forever.

So, I wait. I wait to be submitted in this beautiful season where we await the Greatest Gift. The parallel is not lost on us. In fact it becomes even more clear why I need Him. I am so flawed. My heart aches to bring this little boy home. I pray for his case to be submitted. I pray that the USE sees the evidence and allows Efa to come home. I pray for patience. I pray for a stronger faith. I pray for encouragement. I pray not to feel forgotten.

May the God of hope fill (me) with all joy and peace as (I) trust in Him, so that (I) may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Introducing....

2011-11-15T14:34:00.000-05:00

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

15 days until we board a plane

2011-10-12T08:25:00.000-04:00

My stomach is tight with the anticipation of meeting our little guy. Getting a sense of who he is. I can't wait to see the je ne sais quoi that gets lost in translation. Embassy is getting to be more of an obstacle than it ever was. As a child who grew up over seas, a child of a diplomat, I personally think the US government is making huge gaffes in diplomacy. I think that the time of oversight is at the moment the child enters care. Not after that country has already determined that the child is adoptable. Do we challenge the Russian, Chinese, or Korean government after they make that same determination? Hmm, why not? But, I shy away from the controversial. So as each day brings hope and then fear for a few families at that pivotal stage, I thought of this tale that I read a while ago. It speaks to my nearsightedness. I think of this story frequently when things play out better or worse than I expected. For me, this is where, my faith will be tested. I claim to trust in His perfect timing, now I must live it. It will only get harder, after meeting our little guy. I trust though that if this little guys is meant to be ours, he will come home in God's perfect time. In the meantime, I have a few friends on speed dial, to help me at weak moments and nesting is reaching a scary level...I made these felted slippers for him Sunday night. It was so much fun and easy. I will work out the kinks and then share the how to.

Life is good! Fast, but good!

2011-09-23T08:45:00.000-04:00

I always feel that school starts and life goes from 0 to 60 in a blink of an eye. After the years of being surprised by it (14 to be exact), I have started survival techniques to keep us all from getting bumped and bruised. This year has gone surprisingly smoothly, especially with one more student in the mix-ME. The kids actually get a kick out of me being in nursing school. I have to say I love it! I love my classes. I love the young people that I have met. I love my professors. I love the material (yes, I even love my stats and micro-biology class.) I have talked to all of my professors about leaving for a week in October/November. They are all great with it. I have talked to my advisor about taking next term and then the summer off. Everyone has been great about it. I love that my nursing school is most concerned about the disenfranchised and the poor, as well as global medicine. I feel like I am doing what I was made for. And it is happening in His perfect time.

Bella is loving her preschool day. We are falling into a sweet new normal. The other day, she got to sleep late (9:00...can you say growth spurt) and rolled out of bed, I got her cereal in a baggie, an apple, and juice and took her for a long morning walk in the jogger. She was in heaven. Talked my ear off. Loved the she was in her pj's underneath a blanket. Zach is researching how he can play soccer full time... Eliza is trying to get her driving hours in so she can finally get her license and Andrew is probably busier than he should be.

35 days until we get on a plane to go meet our little guy. Sometimes I feel like his babyhood is slipping away. The wait is hard. The not knowing when he will be home, even harder. But I do know that this is the easier part of the wait. After we meet him, hold him, the wait will be so much harder.

67 prayers left

2011-08-21T08:10:00.001-04:00

Over the years we have made several paper chains to "count down" to some special event. This is one our most special paper chains. We call it our prayer chain. Each of us had 12 strips of paper and on the back side we wrote a prayer for our little guy. Bella wrote with me transcribing, anything from "Jesus please keep him stay safe" to "I hope that he wants a big sister like me." Zach wants divine intervention to help him be a "good soccer player or at least like the game." (Already done! I hear he loves soccer balls.) For me, the prayers were covering him in comfort when he had a bad dream, or when he makes his future transition, to helping to make me the mother he will need when he gets home, and in twenty years. As the days fall away, we break he chain and read the prayer aloud before our grace at dinner. We have 68 left. Then we will return and make a new prayer chain. And each of those prayers will bring him closer and closer to being home. Baby boy, we are waiting patiently. Knowing that the time before court is serving to prepare us and you for each other!

Nov 1

2011-08-11T20:17:00.001-04:00

Seems so far away. It really seems like the dead of winter (I know it is not). It is a special day. My Father-In-Law's birthday. It is now even more special... It is our court date for our little boy. A date. A concrete date that shows movement. Getting him closer to being in our family. I have gotten some darling pictures of him. He is simply a sweet child. It is also perfectly clear in the photos that his heart will be broken when he has to leave the beautiful orphanage director! Ohhh goodness. I know that he is getting the best of care and love. Would you mind praying for his little heart?

On a lighter note...we had our travel clinic appointment. Jason-one shot. Me-none. Zach-none.

77 days until we hop a plane and see our sweet boy.

For this child I have prayed. 1 Samuel 1:27

Mid Summer Happenings

2011-07-15T12:56:00.000-04:00

We spent a week on the vineyard. Martha's Vineyard has always been one of my favorite places in the world. But then everyone discovered it....and crowds are not my thing! This year we went a month earlier than usual because of college and high school schedules and you know what...It was quiet, again. No crowds. So the kids walked to the beach, swam, surfed, went fishing, slept late, ate ice cream, watched bi-planes and gliders take off and land, played games, rode the carousel, got tattoos, went to Vineyard Sound, got chocolate from Chilmark Chocolates, met up with summer friends, and planned for next summer when our new little guy would be home. What a gift it was to withdrawal from the chaos and enjoy the fact that we have seen his face and that CHI was working so hard so that we could then get to the next step of the process. Feel so blessed.

Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy

2011-07-01T08:26:00.001-04:00

So this time our referral had a completely different feel. Remembering back to Bella's referral. It had all the elements of a good story. Jason had gone out with a few friends for a guys dinner. I was home making dinner for the kids. For some reason Jeff (Jason's partner and good friend) picked him up instead of Jason driving. Odd, because they really don't do that often...they must have been discussing a case. At around 6 Jason calls and says...why aren't you answering your cell phone? Uhhh, you got me on the house phone, so why does it matter? Well, Jessica has been trying to call you. WHAT???? Then Jason gets Jeff to drive him home, we open an email, and get to know our daughter. By the next morning we were madly in love.
Flash forward to this adoption. The details are not so dramatic but same dramatic effect. We saw a little boy on a wait list. Actually, we saw two little boys on a wait list. Both so very sweet. Both would be a blessing to any family. Different stories, and yet kind of the same...they both have been waiting for a family for a long time, their whole life. So how do you decide between perfect for our family and perfect for our family? So we talked to the administrator, and then the director who has met them to see if we would be a better family for one of them...youngest of five vs only and oldest. (I will do a long post on the people of YWAM, and how much we love them. How much they inspire us. Have I mentioned that they have sent us several hand written notes just letting us know that they are thinking about and praying for us?) No way to tell. After Jason's initial, "Okay, let's adopt both," (not an option, not allowed by our agency), we prayed. That's the beautiful thing about prayer and faith. The answer came. Almost immediately. While we still cared for the other sweet little boy, and could have loved him or any other child as our own, it was clear which one was ours. We were matched and then waited briefly for our official referral. The call from our case worker was unexpected, but not because we did not know it was coming or what child would be on the paperwork. It was unexpected because we knew she would be flying outside of the country. There was nothing new in his information that we did not know. There were a couple new pictures. Oh yeah, that email came at 1:30 am. And I have not figured out how to open zip files...so I could only open the "non-zip" files which thankfully were the really important ones. So there was no cell phone battery dying. No race home to get the email. And no falling in love...we were already there!

For this child, I prayed... 1 Samuel 1:27

Continuation of switching agencies

2011-06-30T14:19:00.000-04:00

Remember back when we switched from Gladney. We really were tortured by the decision to not go with Gladney. We made a call to an agency that we had heard great things about, Children's House International-CHI (not to be confused with Children's Hope) and specifically the YWAM program within CHI. This time we asked even harder questions, because we were more familiar with the process and the pitfalls. Care of the kids. Family preservation programs. Yes, timeline questions. But, also, waiting kids questions, just to name a few. In the end, we applied to CHI/YWAM. I have to tell you I LOVE CHI. I have never gotten an "out of office" reply to my email. For the first three months that I was talking and emailing my case worker, she was actually out of the country. My calls, and emails were answered in real time. She has always been patient, accessible, and super helpful. She sends us an update on how the process is moving in Ethiopia weekly. I love that CHI explains the process in detail, there by holding themselves accountable. I love the care the kids are getting in the orphanage. I love the family preservation programs. I love the passion and the heart that the people working for our agency in the US and in ET have for the poor, widowed, and orphaned. Most of all, I love that my case worker is an adoptive mom of two grown children. She totally understand the mind of a pre-adoptive mom. She called me after taking a red eye home. She has been gone from her home for over a month. She could not go to sleep before giving us the news that our referral would be coming at some point that night. She had just emailed it to the office, and the lead social worker was going over it. She would be emailing it directly to us. Yes, it came in at 1:30am my time. There is no 9-5 for her.

When it rains it pours....

2011-06-24T09:25:00.000-04:00

Some days you just know its gong to be one of those days.

Where do I begin? I chose this picture of my sweet Bella because I can't help but smile when I see it. The first time I discovered that this little girl had dimples, my heart just soared. I don't know if you can tell but she has several dimples. Love them. Love her. I just look at her and I want to just pinch her to make sure she is real. I think God does this on purpose. I remember this with the older kids. I still feel it with a teenager...where they can drive you crazy and then give you an "Aw shucks, mom" smile and you just melt. Have I mentioned that Bella is incredibly capable. Sometimes she forgets that she is 4. Sometimes I think she thinks that she could grab the keys to the car and run a quick errand for me....

Yesterday was a crummy, cold, and rain day. The day started off with a doggy accident on a white rug that thankfully was not too bad. I should have known that it was going to be that kind of day, a day of serving on my knees. By mid afternoon, I had all the kids home plus a couple of extras. I also was gearing up to go into work (at Williams Sonoma) that evening. It was a book reading, movie watching, and game playing kind of day. All the kids were spread out around the house, upstairs, downstairs, basement. Bella was playing off and on with all of them at some time. So about an hour before I have to leave for work, I discover my sweet baby had used a whole roll (one of those triple rolls) of toilet paper to wipe her bum...and let me just reiterate that bum is TINY. So I start to tackle that "problem." At some point I realize that Eliza must be showering (she worked a horse camp). And then I am thinking...wow, I need to talk to her about her 45 minute shower!!! So I started getting a little heated about how long of a shower she was taking and was going to go knock on her bathroom door. I must have been really stewing because I walked up the stairs not even noticing water on the floor. Once upstairs...I find that it is in fact Bella who has decided "to become Ariel of little mermaid" and in fact flooded the bathroom and had added a waterfall element to our first floor. So I spent the rest of the time before work...cleaning, drying, and cutting the ceiling open so that it will dry and we can fix it... It sounds like the house was chaotic. It actually wasn't. Chaos might have been better. All this to remind my cherub in that picture above...that she still needs mommy's help doing some things.

**** all our paperwork is out of our hands. Now we wait to hear that it is in fact in ET. And bring on that referral. What's one more sweet baby to clean up after? :)

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T14:17:00.000-04:00

The grandfathers with Andrew

Happy Father's Day to my father! You have always been larger than life to me. You have been a great father to 6 children. Through you I first learned of adoption. You adopted two children. Thank you! Happy Birthday Poppy (Jason's father)! You are such a sweet man. Thank you for raising my soul mate. Thank you for helping to shape him into the man he is today.

Jason and Zach

Jason studying in law school

Jason and Andrew

Jason and Bella

Jason and Eliza

Happy Father's Day to my sweet husband! I can't imagine being on this adventure with anyone else! Thank you for being such a kind, strong, smart, and compassionate man. You are a treasure of this world. I am lucky to be married to you.

Update!

2011-06-16T17:30:00.000-04:00

So you would think that I would know what the 171 looks like. You would think that second time around, this should be "old hat." Not the case. I had to call Emily and ask her...."Do you remember what the 171 looks like? Why isn't it printed on that official looking green paper?" Yes, she remembered what it looked like. So all this to say ..."check." Next step, finish dossier and then send off......

You know you are a PAP when....

2011-06-08T08:56:00.001-04:00

Bella 5/2011

How do you know that you are preparing to adopt:
1. Like Pavlov's dog you have been trained to respond to the sound of the mailman's truck. Your hearing has become so acute that you can hear the halted hum from a half mile away.
2. Your calender is broken into segments...we could get our referral, we could be traveling for court (no planning a trip to Disney), we could be traveling to pick up (no planning a trip to Disney), we will be home for one month (no planning a trip to Disney.)
3. You start planning your 20th anniversary get away and start wondering if Ethiopia would be a perfect fit :)
4. You spend way too much time on blogs....time sucker!
5. You start to dream about holding a little body that has to learn your sound and smell as much as you need to learn theirs. But for some reason, it will feel right.

What have we been doing.....

Popsicles on the front steps with BFF.

End of year concert for CBS

Graduation parties are so much fun when there are other little girls!

My BFF turns 6!

End of year dance recital.

School is coming to a close. Today, for Eliza. Then, Eliza volunteers at a therapeutic riding camp. In two weeks for Zach. Not sure what he will be doing...ugh. Andrew has been home for over a month. He is working, four different jobs. No kidding. He is up before 6. Heads to the golf course. The he fits in the other jobs around that. It is so nice to have him home, though.

I love summer. I have read a couple great books this week...Someone Knows My Name (a must read...riveting) and Choosing to See (by MaryBeth Chapman, grab a box or two of tissues). I sign up for nursing classes next week. Letting God work out the timing. I will take time off when Teddy Bear gets home. And after that...we will figure it out where Jason or I will have him, taking night classes, etc. I ended up getting more transfer credit than I expected. I thought that I would have to re-take chemistry and calculus. Not so. Yeah! I am in no hurry. The seminar class that everyone has to take...Understanding HIV. I am so excited about that one! I have Bella on the wait list for a preschool in Boston. I could not be more excited for her. The diversity of the staff and students is AWESOME! So we put one step in front of the other. Trusting.

Meanwhile...I stalk the mailman. Waiting for our CIS approval. Waiting to move forward on the adoption. Waiting, trusting, and reading:)

***I do have three other kids...who won't let me take pictures... I may try and sneak a few in :)

Puzzle pieces

2011-05-27T14:24:00.001-04:00

So I have been stalking this blog for a while. This couple adopted a baby girl just a few months after we brought home Bella. They are now adopting again. A 4 1/2y old in Russia. To be truthful, I don't even know this couple. I was just moved by their story. Check it out.

Waiting to wait

2011-05-20T15:12:00.000-04:00

We were fingerprinted on Wednesday morning. It always amazes me how quickly I can become unglued. Huge character-flaw. You would think that I would have learned by now. I graduated from God's Timing 101 in our first adoption. Yet, I seem to forget whenever things don't go how I expect them to go.

I sent the i600a in and received the fingerprint appt card in a reasonable time frame. Yet,we never did receive an appt card for Andrew. He needs to be fingerprinted because he is 19. Now, maybe I gave CIS too much credit but I did pay for 3 bio-metrics and they have my home study! I thought that they must realize he is a college student and that he might be in NC. Okay, I am laughing now that I wrote that out...but I really thought....
So, Andrew took off work. Jason, Andrew, Bella (because who babysits at 6am) and I left for Rhode Island at 6 in the morning to make our 8am apt. Don't I live in Ma?? Yes, but I guess, we get fingerprinted in RI.

We get there to find out that they can't fingerprint Andrew without an appt card. Well, I almost started crying (or screaming) right then. The nicest man tried to help us, but couldn't. At some point, I gave in. Sent Andrew to the car, and got fingerprinted. While I was waiting... I had a conversation with God that went something like this...I get it. You are in charge. I get it. I get it. You have a timeline that may be different than my own (who is kidding who-usually different than my own). I get it. I accept it. But it sure would be nice to get his taken care of today. And then we were fingerprinted and went to leave. The nice man, came running out of his office yelling, "Wait! I think I figured out what you can do." Long story short...they fingerprinted Andrew, too.

So now we wait for CIS approval, wait for a referral, wait for court, and then wait for embassy. Picking up on the key theme? Wait. I should definitely be eligible for a PhD in God's Timing by the end of adoption #2, don't you think?

Mother's Day Gifts

2011-05-09T13:40:00.000-04:00

Bella's self portrait

We all love havving Andrew home!

We sent in our i600a on April 20th. Saturday, April 7, we received our fingerprinting appt for May 18th!!! Truly resting in His timing. It actually occurred to me that maybe I should be a little nervous about the timing of those fingerprints because Andrew is in school in NC. (He needs to be fingerprinted because he is 19.) I wasn't though. Resting in His timing...and the appt came the same day that Andrew came home....for the following week.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6-7 (This scripture will always be a favorite.)

"Good one" and nightime prayers

2011-05-05T10:48:00.000-04:00

Since Bella has been home, we do our prayers at night, just like we did with the older kids. For some reason, Zach did his prayers primarily with Jason. The others did them with either. Bella does them with me, although Zach loves it when I have to work on a night that Jason does because then he gets to put Bella to bed and that includes prayers. In our prayers we ask Jesus to bless ___fill in the blank____.... and then we usually take turns naming family and friends. Recently, Bella asked, "anyone new?" And then I added, "Marjorie." Bella asked, "Whose Marjorie?" I explained that she is a woman who is a friend of a friend who just found out has cancer so she is very sick (a story for another day-but The Lord working, not like we may want but his clear fingerprint). And Bella said, "Good one, good one!" Then Bella added a friend of mine, Margaret. No reason, and asked if she was "good one." I said, "of course." So now, throughout the day Bella and I look for someone new to pray for that would be a "good one." That person has been a stranger who looked angry or sad, a friend in TX who has a head/heart hurt, friends celebrating their 3rd birthdays or a friend who just needs some comfort or healing. But the word has gotten out...so now Zach wants in on it. We can't wait to see who Bella names, such a window into her soul, and she can't wait to see who I name. We are truly blessed by the children in my life!

***Can you tell I need a new camera?????

Attachment

2011-05-02T11:17:00.001-04:00

So when I was catching up on my blog reading, a friend linked to this blog. Claudia encouraged people to write on attachment. I actually read a few blogs and it was so good to see some of the different perspectives and experiences to prepare for our teddy bear. We have a few of our own perspectives/experiences to draw on. I have a sister and brother that were adopted. We were foster parents for 6 newborns who were with us anywhere from 10 days to 6 months. We have 3 bio kids. And of course, we have Bella who came home at 2 1/2 y.

I learned from being a sibling that attachment is a life long exercise, whether or not adoption is in the mix. It is like a bank account. If you are constantly making withdrawals, and never making deposits...eventually the bank will close the account. That is not to say that they won't let you re-open one, when you get your finances in order and are ready to make a deposit.

What we learned as a family from our "borrowed babies" was to be present in the moment, because we never knew when we would get the call that they were leaving. The present moment is all we had. We did dream for these babies and pray that they would end up in a soft landing place that would cherish them for the blessing that they were/are. But we did not spend much energy worrying about what they would be good at or what they would become, or what the latest trend was on growing smart babies. We also learned that our family lines were extremely fluid. We loved each almost immediately. I don't mean that in a vague and blurry way. We loved them fiercely and vividly. When each left it felt like a deep loss. Thankfully, we still see most of these little people in Christmas cards or visits. I believe these babies actually challenged me to be a better parent. I slowly stopped thinking that I knew what my 3 kids would be good at or become and I started to enjoy them at the age and stage that they were. Today became the gift.

What I have learned from being a mom to 3 bio kids and attachment is interesting. When I was reading adoption books before Bella got home, I would constantly be amazed that some of the behaviors that they highlighted as problematic attachment...sounded like one or another of my bio kids. One of my children was hyper-attached, one was the charmer in a large group, and one shuts down...so in my personal experience children and attachment is not that cut and dry. I think that my three that share DNA, have come into this world with very different personalities, temperaments, and challenges. Thankfully, I read the books when I was far enough along that I was not rushing them all into therapy. That being said, I do think the challenge as a parent is to figure out how to be the parent that each child needs. I don't think Eliza will mind my sharing some about her. Eliza was painfully shy and hyper attached to me. She would not take a bottle. I mean she would NOT take a bottle no matter what type or what it was filled with. She would wait for me rather than eat. She would have waited the 8 hours that I worked if she had to (and actually did once). Luckily Jason was able to bring her in a few hours in for my lunch break (one of the beauties of law school.) Every student/teacher conference in elementary school was about how she was so shy. So parenting her, was trying to find ways that would build her confidence and self esteem. Anyone who has a "cling-on" child knows that sometimes the natural response to the clinging is a pushing away... I learned that counter-intuitive pulling-in worked so much better for us, though. By 6th grade, you would not believe that the conferences where for the same child. All this to tell you...that even with bio kids, the attachment process is very individual. Each child's needs are different and your response will be different and even those will change over time. We are constantly readjusting our parenting strategies and expectations. The only constant is trying to make more deposits into each child's bank account than withdrawals.

Then Bella came along. Remember that fluid family line that I spoke of with the foster babies. She was "ours" before she even knew we existed. We loved her almost immediately. I lived in what looked very similar to a dorm room with her picture taped up all over our house for more than 6 months. Zach came down the morning after the referral call and said, "I love her already." So cool when it happens that quickly, like a tsunami. But just as cool, when it is a more quiet and subtle breeze like it was for friends who worked and worked at it and then all of a sudden it wasn't work anymore. It just was. And actually even with in a family it can be one way for one member and the other with another. We assumed her bank account had been long over-drawn. Then she came home. I will say that Bella's account most definitely was not overdrawn. I think that this blogger and her failure to provide is a must read. Sorry for stating the obvious but bonding and attachment are different, something I had not realized until after Bella came home. Bella bonded almost immediately to me. Quickly to Eliza and later to Jason and the boys. Bonding is a shared moment or moments. Attachment is a process or a collection of moments. Attachment is the financial history, bonding is the opening of the account, to continue the metaphor. When Bella came home, I should have been more careful about her exposure to family and friends. Life took over and I was not prepared for the on slot of well wishers who dropped off meals and wanted to meet our newest member. I ended up pulling back, reacting after events. With Teddy bear we will have a plan of action. Actually, something I love that YWAM has us do that I wish we had thought to do with Bella, we will have to work on a transitional plan. We will have a phone call to go over it. I had an idea of how it would work but I feel like we could have been more prepared. Because she was an older toddler there were many things that had she been a baby...would have been great bonding and attaching scenarios ...feeding, dressing, changing diapers. I did get her sippy cups that were like a bottle. I snuggled her and fed her. She was still in diapers, so I still changed her, and talked and cooed as she was being cleaned and redressed. I did not encourage, nor was she ready to be potty trained for a bit. Any opportunity to cuddle her, I took and still take. Reading, eating lunch on my lap, climbing into our bed in the middle of the night. There are still subtle reminders that she is still attaching....process, not a done deal. Sometimes I see a self-reliance that I admire but wonder if it is actually a darker foreshadowing of attachment issues. Sometimes I see a scary friendliness and confidence with adult friends. Is it her confident self assured well adjusted self or again...that dark demon that haunts all adopted parents who read too many books? See, we will never be able to extract what is temperament, what is personality, and what is life experience (adoption). It would be like taking cooked brownies and then separating the eggs, from the cocoa. So I step forward and continue to try and make more deposits in Bella's account than withdrawals. I pray over her because that is part of who we are as a family. And I adjust and constantly readjust our parenting of her, like I did with the older kids, to meet her needs. Grief will rear its ugly head as she gets older and make a huge withdrawal. I mean like down payment-on-a-house type of withdrawal. So I continue to make deposits before she realizes all that she has lost. I look into those beeauuuutiful brown eyes and I tell her without words how lucky I am to be her mom always. I use touch to communicate with her how cherished she is. When I steer her away, or touch her hair, or pick her up when she wants nothing more than to continue to do what ever I don't want her to do I really do try not to be careless, rough, or impatient. Not always successful but each I see as either a deposit or a withdrawal. So I pray that I have learned and am practicing good financial decisions, and that we are creating a family with a sound financial future.

*Now I have to make some deposits in Bella's account. Sesame Street followed by Cat in the Hat have been keeping her busy.

**As a side note I loved and have The Connected Child by Karen Purvis by my bed. I love her gentle hope filled approach to children from really difficult stories.

+++Added after posting. Keeping it real. No sooner had I hit "post" I got a phone call from vice principal at Zach's school. He quoted a movie that he should not have even seen. Yes, the quote was inappropriate to say the least. So don't think that I have anything under control....just saying...

Emotionally hung-over from yesterday, Adoption workshop tomorrow

2011-05-01T11:36:00.000-04:00

Bella and Zach

Why is it that after spending a beautiful special day with family, I feel so sad and off kilter? We drove to NY to celebrate my nephew's First Holy Communion. Seeing the cousins together was unreal. Seeing my father and siblings was special. The ceremony was special. So why is there that unsettled feeling the next day? Is it because my father seems to be getting old quicker than I am ready for? Is it the emotional exercise of maneuvering the family dynamics, wondering how siblings could be so different and yet, keeping it light and love filled? Is it missing all of the family members who have died? Or is it that I project forward to days when more will be gone? Bella and Eliza loved seeing their cousins, aunts and uncles. They love being surrounded by family. Bella is still somewhat new to the cousins because we live so far away. They just thought she was so special. They got to see her sweet nature in full force. She walked in and said to Amama (my sister's mother in law), "I like your dress. Amama said, "You do?" Bella responds, "Yes, purple is my favorite color and it looks beautiful on you." I think Amama who is in her late 70s, almost fell off her chair. That is all she talked about the rest of the afternoon. It was so pure. No parental prompting. Eliza is getting so mature that she sits down and has a conversation with my father about politics or why she wants to be a surgeon and move to ET. It was all good, so why does today feel like an emotional hang-over?

Tomorrow, I am going to a workshop on Trans racial Adoption: What Your Children Want You to Know. I read alot about it before Bella came home. I have so many questions, now. Real questions that I want answered. About a month ago, anonymous commented on my diversity in school v reputation of school post. She (because I have fallen into the habit of thinking woman are the only people reading blogs) gave me some GREAT advice, as well as confirming what I already was thinking. She reminded me that the diversity of the faculty was just as important as the diversity of the student body. Oops, I think that I was so excited about the students...I forgot to ask about the faculty. Thank you, anonymous. So, I am so excited to get even more insight into this. A good friend with a Korean adopt daughter who is grown now, also has shared that she always felt caught in between two worlds. Not really Korean, and yet not Caucasian. Her parents had several friends who also adopted from Korea. They wish that they had put more emphasis on interacting with both non-adoptive and adoptive Korean families. Interesting perspective. Food for thought. I would hate for Bella to feel like that.

Easter 2011-"He's alive. He's alive."

2011-04-27T08:12:00.000-04:00

(Thank you Emily! If you haven't seen this, it is awesome in the true sense of the word.)

Sweet Bella woke up saying, "He's alive! He's alive! He's not dead!" I love the faith and conviction that she has. This year we were missing Andrew. Since he is coming home for the summer in a week and a half, we did not want to spend the $ to fly him home. We had a small but special celebration, though. Love these days to look back on. The days are long but the years are short. One of our new traditions, started by Bella...Bella wanted to go around the table and tell each person one thing that we are thankful for. So Bella started. For daddy she was thankful for him playing with her and making her laugh. For me, for being the best mommy in the whole city. For Zach, for sharing his candy, and teaching her to ride her bike. For Eliza, for painting her nails, and being the "best sista eva". She hugged each person as she told them what she loved about them. Then she had us each do it. Not sure where she saw or heard about this tradition, but it was so sweet that I would like to take credit for it but I can't. Yes, we will do it throughout the year.

Bella had her 4 year check up. It is so fun to see her grow. She is definitely slowing down a bit-to a more normal rate of growth. My advice to people who have gotten their referral and are about to pick up their child...don't over buy in the clothes department. Bella came home wearing 18m and is now wearing 4 and some 5s. That is in 18m time! Her foot grew from a 6 to an 11. She went from not being on the charts for height to being over the 50%. She has grown over 11inches (I actually thought 12 but...11 is good!) They like to see her age have over 10 words in a sentence. My doctor laughed at that. She is a chatter box. On all fronts she is doing so nicely. We are constantly amazed at her!

Adoption #2 front: So now we wait for our appt to be fingerprinted for CIS. Moving at a slow but steady pace. Love CHI/YWAM. Love the updates. Love the communication. Love what I hear about the care of the babies.

"Fancy Nancy" Night

2011-04-19T10:39:00.000-04:00

We are having a "stay-cation" because Eliza has drivers ed everyday from 9-4 during school vacation. But there was no other time to do it, so.... Truly, with 2 trips to Ethiopia within the year, I am fine with not spending the money. We took Bella to the zoo in the morning. Then, last night, Zach had ODP 1 1/2 hour drive away for a 2 hour practice. Jason took him. (I think he may have pulled the short straw.) I took Eliza, and Bella to get our nails done and then out to a "Fancy Nancy" dinner. Anyone with a little girl knows who Nancy and her best friend are. Little girls who love oolala and magnifique and fantastique and bonjour and any other word that is fancy. When Bella saw the dessert, she said "Oolala this is my faaavorrrite." We had such a nice evening and then came home to relax with the boys.

*** CIS form overnighted today :) The only thing left really to work on...our police letter stating that we have no record. Why is this a problem, you ask? Because this is the third one we have had to request! The first two have had notary errors. Do you think that God thinks that I have not mastered the lesson on patience? Or maybe He is working on my sense of humor. I even offered a bribe of cookies. Getting closer.

Faith

2011-04-12T16:17:00.002-04:00

What gets you through your rocky terrain?

For Bella its red cowboy boots:)

For me it is definitely my faith. My faith in His character. My faith in His love for us. When we first started this adoption, the fear of the "what ifs and hows" were kept at bay during the day by prayer and busy-ness. But at night the doubts and fears would sit and wait until the very moment that sleep lightened and they could worm their way in... What if this little one did not adjust as seamlessly as Bella? What if I don't love this little one as much as I love all my other children? How are we going to pay for this adoption and college for one now and two in the near future? (Just to name a few.)

I am not an anxious person. I don't usually wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. A few months ago, in the beginning of this process, I did. Wow, not fun! I was agitated and anxious about the money that we would have to pay pretty quickly in the process. An alphabet soup of the large dollar amounts that would be due soon swam around in my head mixed in with words like tuition payments. I did not know what to do to calm my racing heart. Pretty quickly, I did turn to prayer. I prayed that if this was His will, I was going to need Him to give me some comfort. I was going to trust Him (something I learned through our first adoption). I wanted to adopt so much but there were so many reasons why I should be satisfied with the happy healthy family I had. The prayer took a little longer than that. His peace did take over that racing heart. In the process the numbers started to make sense. I even was brave enough to add them up. It was a big healthy sum...several thousands of dollars. Let's call that number n. Then I remembered that Jason had told me he was receiving an unexpected check...interest on a business loan. Guess how much the check ended up being for...yes, you got it. N. Not a penny more. Some may say coincidence. Not me. I have had too many of these this go around! At some point, I am sorry, but it is what I call God-incidences. So many with Bella. That was the first for Teddy Bear, maybe I will post about some of the others, too. The most amazing thing has been recognizing God's fingerprints much sooner, than I use to. From-who I am going through the process with, to-how the timing is working out. What I am learning is His plan is so much bigger and better than I would have dreamed it to be. God can do much more than anything we can ask or imagine. Ephesians 3:20

Special day, busy weekend, and adoption update

2011-04-10T15:41:00.000-04:00

8 years ago I got a call that rocked my world. That moment plays like a slow motion movie. The sound warbled. The information came in bits and pieces. The result still the same.

I remember the initial call came in as "Mom's been in an accident." I am even embarrassed to admit but I thought that my mom would have been at fault. I use to tease her about being an airhead. She use to zip around in her convertible, playing music, with a smile on her face. I could see her getting in a fender bender. My first prayers were please don't let her have hurt someone. My prayers were answered but not in the way I expected. As more news came she had been hit by a car walking across the street with my adopted 8 year old brother. They were walking from the parking lot to the church for a special service. She managed to push Chris out of the way. She died at the scene or in the ambulance, the detail never seemed important to me. She was 62. The mother of 6 children, two of which were adopted. The man who hit her just did not see her. He was a father of 4. About ten years older than she was. He was changing stations on his radio and turning onto a busy street. To this day I am so thankful for the God's grace in allowing me to forgive him immediately. My sisters have had a harder time. They were so angry with him. That anger is so heavy. Something my mom would have never wanted. By the time I flew down and got to the house, it was too late. But just seeing her recipe box open and the recipe of what she had been cooking out, the message she left on my machine that day, or the letter that she had thrown in the mail that morning...such gifts! I will always miss her. But she knows that.

The only child of mine she did not meet was Bella. I know that she would have loved Bella, and Bella would ahve adored her. She was fun, kind, and gentle. So today we talked and prayed for Grammy. We went to the beach before church. Grammy loved the beach and Grammy loved little kids:) So she would have loved how we celebrated her life.

So now onto a lighter subject. We had so much fun at R and A's birthday party. Bella loves these girls. Followed up by a Fasika celebration planned by this amazing mom. By Saturday night, we were exhausted. But you have to laugh at the way of a 4 year old. This was Bella on the way to the Fasika celebration:

Two minutes later:

And maybe a minute later:

On the adoption front...we are home study approved, waiting for the hard copy so we can submit to CIS. Yeah!!!! I am loving CHI/Ywam. I wish I could have gone to the Mom's night out that they had in WA. But as you can see this weekend could not have fit in one more activity:)

The Dance

2011-04-01T09:37:00.000-04:00

Let me remind you that I do not dance (or sing) in public. I am tone deaf and rhythm challenged. But I am learning. But this dance that I am talking about is actually the adoption dance. With Bella's adoption....the week was broken down to the emotions that the day of the week evoked. The dance went sort of like this:

Monday: no communication with Belay so no new news was coming that day but the seed of hope would be planted. This was going to be the week that we got our referral, or court day, or we passed court (and when we didn't), or they fixed the problem.

Tuesday: a good day, hope was growing

Wednesday: the best because we would have a conference call if it was the end of the month or there was a really good possibility that good news was coming this day or the next

Thursday: disappointment taking root, would another week pass with no news?

Friday: crushed, I would have to wait another three days before news came.

Jason could tell the day of the week by how fragile my mood was. So the dance played out for the better part of the year. The hurry up to wait. The stalking the Gladney FBI or other blogs. Can't you see it as a ballet? Can't you see the building of tension mid week? The conductor waving the hands and the excitement building only to come crashng down for the weekend. The weekend was restorative and healing. Gosh, the only thing that kept me sane were the prayers, mine and those of dear friends.

This adoption is already playing out differently. I am learning a new dance. I must be getting to be a better dancer because this one seems a whole lot easier. I don't seem to be riding the waves up and down. I am filling my mornings with Bella activity, bible study, and cleaning (always cleaning). I am filling my afternoons with sports activities and listening to teenage happenings (and silent prayers for me to have the wisdom to say the right thing or better yet, say nothing.) I have learnied that our weekly update comes on Thursday. (What??? A weekly update???) So Thursday no longer means what it use to. That is one of the subtle differences. I am learning new steps. I am exercising muscle memory, too. Stay tuned and I will let you know if I make it to the finals.

So the next question...does the reputation of the school (being good) trump diversity or does diversity trump reputation of the school? I have to make a decision for Bella's school in the next 10 months. We live around the block from the elementary school that my older kids went to. Bella really would like to go there, also. I have already told her that she may not be going there (she may be one of maybe 3 AA kids in the whole school), that Daddy and Mommy must decide the best place for her and it may be different. I am thinking about applying to a school that has in the past had much more diversity (last year had 4 AA in the kindergarten class!) even though the school around the corner may (stress, may) be a little better. Hmmmm. Any thoughts? Any life experience? Fill me in.

That's NOT Fair!

2011-03-27T07:41:00.000-04:00

I have been in a Spring cleaning mode! Getting rid, simplifying. Yesterday Bella found an old picture frame filled with pictures of our family, that I had put in a box (okay, you are asking why...because I hate the pictures inside the frame...oops, pure vanity). She was in none of them. Did I mention Zach was probably 4y in them. Our discussion went something like this:
Bella: "Where am I?"
Jason: "Oh, Honey, you were not born yet."
Bella: "But why am I not in the family picture? Everyone is there but me."
Me: "You were not even born yet."
Bella: "That's NOT fair." And at this point the script would read...She stomps off, arms crossed, with the angriest face she can muster up...until gets into the other room, and the arms uncross, and a smile takes over the little scowl. She grabs a baby doll and skips off.

You go girl! I love this little pumpkin and all the "spunk and circumstance" that comes with her.

Chocolate Milk and Moving Forward

2011-03-24T15:01:00.000-04:00

Spring has always been a busy time for me. Tryouts for lacrosse. Eliza just found out that she is captain of JV. Zach found out he made the "A" team for lacrosse. Soccer picks up, too. Zach plays on 3 teams-town, club which Jason coaches, and ODP. So I start to fret how and when and of course, why. So when I found this in a book that I am reading, it was a good reminder for me to not fall into the pattern of just getting it done. Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanne Weaner, the book I am reading, quotes another author

Duty can pack an adequate sack lunch, but love may decide to enclose a note inside...Obligation sends the children to bed on time, but love tucks the covers in around their necks and passes out kisses and hugs (even to teenagers!)...Duty gets offended quickly if it isn't appreciated, but love learns to laugh a lot and to work for the sheer joy of doing it. Obligation can pour a glass of milk, but quite often, love adds a little chocolate. Love adds a Little Chocolate by Linda Anderson

It was a good reminder to slow down and do the small things that make a big impact on the little souls around me. Yes, the kids had chocolate milk all week long:) Bella's new thing is wanting to go to kindergarten. She has a new friend who is in kindergarten. She also wants to lose a tooth. Sorry, babe, you just got your three year molars in. But who knows, if you keep trying to shake those front teeth....

Sent in our application to CHI and have been approved. Feels good to be moving forward again. On a positive note, I love our case manager at CHI. Not only is she an adoptive mom and "gets it," she responds so quickly to any and every question that I have had. Scary that I actually asked a "how long" question the first day. Will I never learn??? Actually the question had to do with how long it takes them to review our homestudy. So we move forward.

Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do

2011-03-13T18:47:00.003-04:00

I have not known how to even say this. I kept hoping and praying that we would not have to do this. We are so sad about it. When I told a friend that I felt like I was breaking up with a boyfriend, she said..."yes, but they are dating over 300 other girls." Yes, we have decided not to use Gladney. And truth be told, we are heartbroken about it. They are an amazing agency. We know how well they care for the children. We know how ethical they are. We love Scott Brown and what a faith filled man he is. We also knew that there were children in our parameters waiting for a family. So we struggled and decided that we would not use Gladney for our second adoption. If I were 16, you would find me in my bedroom, surrounded by my 4 closest friends, a box of tissue, 5 spoons, and Haagan Daas ice cream. But I am not 16, am I?

What to say?

2011-03-09T17:26:00.000-05:00

It seems that I still have a lot to learn about patience and perseverance. This week has been bad news after bad news on the adoption front. I prayerfully hang onto hope that we will be able to add to our family a brother or sister who will share a common heritage with Bella.

So I just deleted the rest of my post. Maybe over a cup of coffee we can solve the problems of the world. At this point I carefully edit my thoughts as not to get myself into trouble.

Ground Hog Day and a bit of Valentines Day

2011-02-12T09:39:00.000-05:00

No not a weather related post. Ground Hog Day-the movie. We did our 4th bank letter today. Yes, you read that correctly. 4. The people in the bank are lovely. I become more and more convinced that these obstacles are to weed out the weak. Now I pray for movement and referrals.

before

after

Meanwhile, I painted the half bath. Chalkboard paint. Love it! We have Valentine sayings on the wall. Right now we have love needs no map, it can find its way blindfolded and love is friendship that has caught fire on the walls. When I was doing it, Bella walked in and said, "Dad is going to freak out!" (Where she got freak out, I don't know but it is so cute coming out of the mouth of an almost 4 year old.) "But do you like it, Bella?" "Yeah, I love it, but Dad is going to freak out." So I call Jason to make sure he gives her a big freak out when he gets home. When he walked in and saw it and gave her a good fuss, she was so tickled pink and kept saying, "Mom did it all by herself." So she was talking about the fact that I could paint a room all by my self, had nothing to do with the color. hmmmm I tackle the family room next.

That did not last.

2011-02-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

While I was writing it I wondered if I would regret writing the post below about how patient I was going to be waiting for Teddy Bear. That resolve to be patient lasted all of one day! Stupid stupid stupid-me (Yes, Bella, stupid is a yucky word.) Everything I can do is done. But I cant's get Gladney approval (read-get on wait list) until I have CIS approval. I can't get CIS approval until I have a written homestudy with criminal clearances. SOooooo my homestudy is waiting on FBI clearances, which will be coming next week for Jason and Andrew. But me....they are having difficulty reading my fingerprints!!!! So I may have to redo mine and the "nice" (read-not very) told me it could take 12 weeks for that. Am I really being tested this early in the process? At this point I am feeling like I will be in assisted living by the time this babe gets home!

So ready for Spring!

2011-02-07T16:09:00.000-05:00

We have gotten so much snow this winter. Zach has even been out of school because of roof issues tha thte snow caused. So what have we been up to??? A girl could go crazy. Or....

While we were adopting the first go around...I became obsessed with blogs on adoption, the Gladney FBI list, and the gladney yahoo group. Anything that would bring news. Even if the news was not particularly good. There was nothing worse when everything was quiet. I would live vicariously through the other referrals. Don't laugh but I had even broken the FBI down into statistical charts. Crazy. I know.

Don't quote me on this in a few months, but this time I am going to attempt to put what I learned into practice. I learned....patience. Really, I have. I refuse to I find that I am again stalking blogs. Waiting for news. I have told myself...STOP! It is the biggest waste of my time. Time that I should/could be doing something so much more productive. We have finished everything we can do. Homestudy is done. Now we wait for our wonderful SW to write it, Gladney to edit it. Then we submit it to CIS. Now, I have made some unbelievable friends from all that blog stalking. So, don't get me wrong. I will look at other blogs, I will watch and pray and worry. But I am going to limit myself. I am going to nurture my mind, body, and spirit in other ways, too. So this is what I am doing now that we are done with all the paper gathering:

Gratuitous picture just because

1. yoga every morning to help myself get back to a less creaky self because as we add the younger children, I am more and more aware of how old I am!

2. journaling to help tell teddy bear what we were doing before teddy bear got here.

3. finished Bella's adoption book. Need to work on the older kids' books.

4. nesting in a big and fun way.... so I share some of the blogs that I have subscribed to. Here are some pretty creative women who have inspired me. Have fun:)

http://jonesdesigncompany.com/

http://www.hollymathisinteriors.com/

http://www.mysparrowblog.com/

http://pure-and-lovely.com/

http://www.perfectlyimperfectblog.com/

http://mysweetsavannah.blogspot.com/

http://thenester.com/

Double header: Readoption and paperwork

2011-01-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

Game #1
Re-adoption of my sweet girl!

We were so excited when we recieved the notice for the date for re-adoption. (It allowed us to change her name to Bella Zenash Morgan and correct her birthday. Long story but we have braided what she was called in the orphanage, by mistake, what her ET mother named her, and our family name.) A reminder for us though-she may look at things differently than we do though, even though she has been home for 14 months. Bella did not know what to think of this "re-adoption." I agree with her though. It is a silly name. In her little three year old mind, she thought that we might be changing her mind. When we first excitedly told her about it she said "you aren't giving me back, are you?" To which I said, while smothering this sweet face with kisses, "Not on your life! You are mine always and forever, and even when you won't want me." Thank you, Lord! I am just telling you this so when you go to tell your kiddo...stop and think and rephrase.

Game #2

Paperwork phase is to weed out the weak, the not sure if I want to do this, the faint of heart, buy a puppy, instead. Excuse my language....it sucks! Like labor pains, you forget. We are in the paper gathering phase on steroids. The wait seems to get longer each breathe I take and we don't get any younger...so we are trying to do this stage quickly. But, for our bank letter I required 3 redos. First one, signature of signer and the notary were the same; second one, dates did not match. So, what I have decided...it actually is a pretty good indicator of what parenting can be like:) But we are excited. Bella has taken to praying for her little brother or sister (but who is kidding whom...brother...because we are open to either), Teddy Bear. By the way, for all of you who are rolling their eyes...Teddy Bear was her second choice. Allergies was her first. So from now on we will refer to brother or sister as Teddy Bear. But Allergies???? Where did that come from????

Hair-A Public Service Message

2011-01-16T16:51:00.000-05:00

Most of the adoptive parents that I know (of Ethiopian children) spend a ton of mental energy and even $ on their newly adopted child or children's hair. When we first got home I went to a salon that specialized in braiding, cutting, and caring for black hair so that I could learn how to braid Bella's hair. A beautiful black woman helped me. She took one look at Bella's hair and said, "Oh honey, her hair is more like yours than mine." Really?! What does that mean? "It means. You don't braid her hair. You can, but it won't stay in for more than a few days." So, we do occasionally braid it. We do put it up in pony or pig tails. We keep it down and "free." But on those days when it is free, we have to bring some semblance of order to it. Easier said than done. At first I spent a small fortune on different product hoping that they would be a quick fix. I have found a couple products that I love. But today, I found magic! Really! This mom has become somewhat of a rock star in my house. She used the same SW for her home study but we never got to meet until after she adopted her baby. Go check out her blog. She was a superwoman before but now.....

She posted about hair products and Sally's Beauty Supply Shop. I went out and purchased. I LOVE Sally's. How did I not know about this store! Prices are great and the products I purchased work. So my first purchase was the tangle teezer. Why does it work??? But it does! It costs $9.99. So worth it. It took me 10 minutes to comb/brush through her hair. I had panned on doing it during the football game today. It should have taken me until half-time.

I used it with Hawaian Silky to help detangle. Wow! Bella had a few dreadlocks starting (underneath neck area) and using this stopped them. The combination of the teezer and this was seriously easy. Her hair is really long, when wet it reaches mid back.

Then while I was there, I found another product that I have not used yet but will try. Bella uses Wen as a cleansing conditioner. It works very well. Love it. It is expensive, though. Because her hair is so long we also go through it pretty quickly. Well, Sally's sells the generic form. It is about 1/3 of the price of Wen. They also sell sample size packets for $1.49.

I have not used it but I will let you know if it works as well as Wen. It may depend on your child's hair texture, but they are worth a try. Not a big investment. And if they work as well for you as they did for me....you will have so many more hours in the day to do laundry, dishes, or even read a book:) Thank you Staci!

Heart Beat

2011-01-06T12:27:00.000-05:00

One of the coolest things I heard in Anatomy and Physiology (have not taken the time to verify this on line) was that when a two hearts get in proximity they can match their beats. As a transplanted heart gets close to the heart that it is replacing they synchronize. I may be saying this the wrong way from a medical perspective. But I trust that I have no one reading this who is a doctor. I have thought about this as a few times through our adoption of Bella.

The first time I thought of it was when Jason and I got our EKG for the medical part of our application. Coincidentally, we have the same abnormality (minor though it is). Apparently, it is not a commonly occurring abnormality and our doctor got a kick out of the fact that we both have it. Hmmmm. synchronicity.

The second time was yesterday. To understand me completely, I have to go back to a year ago. When Bella first came home she loved to be snuggled and read to, but there was always an under current of awareness. When my older three kids were babies, I could hold them and they would relax completely into me until they fell asleep. At church, they could be perfectly still and quiet if I was holding them. Think falling asleep while being given a massage. It's not because you are tired but because you are that relaxed. That is what I mean. She could fall asleep if she was tired. Like when I rocked her at night. I actually did not think about it too much. I put it down to her age, really. But then yesterday, I was reading/answering emails (thank you Ellen) in the morning. Bella woke up, came downstairs, and climbed onto my lap. I held her, rocked her slightly in the office chair, and continued to read/answer emails. She was perfectly still. Before I knew it she had fallen asleep at 9:00 in the morning. Not a tired sleep. A relaxed sleep. Hmmm. Synchronicity. She woke up in a few minutes and said, "I love you, mommy." Definitely synchronicity.

Out of the mouth of babes #1

2011-01-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

In an effort to remember the cute or not-so cute things that kids can say, I am going to record them.

Bella and Eliza love getting Willow on the sofa. Maybe because it drives me crazy. Try wearing black pants when you have a Golden Retriever. Now try sitting down on a sofa with said black pants. Anyways. When Willow, ten years old, was having trouble jumping up on the sofa, Bella told Eliza, "Willow is running out of batteries."

What will 2011 hold for us?

2010-12-28T08:21:00.000-05:00

Christmas was wonderful. Bella really enjoyed the preparation, the songs, the baby Jesus in the manger. So much so, that she woke up on the 26th and said is today Christmas again? This is actually her second Christmas but we realize now that she must have been in a fog for the first couple months she was home.

We have officially begun the paper chase for a 0-2 either gender.

Just for fun:

Bella and Willow

see the picture frame...I painted chalkboard paint and then fixed a frame on her wall. Voila! She has a framed masterpiece, She made the fishy in preschool:)

Bella and Poppy

Lots going on with the older kids...so I will have to come back and do a whole post. Wondering if gathering paperwork will make me a better blogger....

Thankful

2010-11-26T09:22:00.000-05:00

(Do you notice that I don't post as many pictures of the older kids? I do. Notice, that is. It's because they are so busy and so rarely in range of a camera.)

Our thanksgiving was peaceful and relaxing and wonderful. I am so thankful for Jason, my husband, thanksgiving day chef, best friend, resident comedian, and partner. Today it was only the three of us home. The older kids went to football games with friend while we cooked and watched the Patriots.

Andrew is home from college. He is doing well, academically and socially. He loves it. He played soccer (reserve team) and did great. He is toying with the idea of not playing next year but being a founding father of a fraternity... should I tell him that I am not ready yet for him to give soccer up? Didn't he get the memo that "He is a soccer player"? All kidding aside, he has transitioned from soccer player, jock, to what do I want to do with the rest of my life-effortlessly. Thankful for this boy!

Eliza loves school. She did cross country and is gearing up for winter track. She has made two new friends who are sweet and beautiful. She went to a seminar last weekend taught at BU on neuroscience. She came back talking about dopamine and brain stems... She is advocating within our walls for a little boy name F. Thankful for this girl!

Zach is Zach. He made the Olympic development team for our region. Key word is region. It means we have to drive an hour and a half to his 5 hour practice (no, that's not a typo). I do this because this is my kid who said he was going to play for the EPL when he was 5. He loves the middle school and until recently after a ding dong ditch episode...traveled in a posse of 8-10. Now, he is limited to smaller get together. Group think at any age is dangerous. Thankful for this boy!

Bella is a joy. She recently ran her first turkey trot (100m race) Uh, oh! No where to go but down. She came in first. As Bella says, "I 'tended that Zachy was going to pinch my bumm."

She is fun and a riot and keeps me on my toes. She goes to bed and we continue to chuckle with the latest Bella-stories. "But I love you" is her get out of jail card for everything. (ie:I will tell her no screaming and she pulls out her .."But I love you.") Thankful for this girl!

So thankful for my friends and family.

Duck Duck Goose

2010-11-10T18:18:00.000-05:00

This may be my one and only rant. I don't do confrontation. I sometimes write a post and then delete because I am nervous about what will people think, so here goes.

I have decided that I hate the game of Duck Duck Goose. I guess I never really gave it too much thought until the other day. Bella is in a 45 minute Ballet class. Let me repeat...Ballet. I watched it the other day from a little window. It is really very cute how intense she is about it. I am biased, but I think she is the most beautiful ballerina. Having said that, she is in a class of little girls that have blond bobs. Do we really have no brunettes or red heads in this town??? She has a good friend/best friend in the class too. So back to Duck Duck Goose. They played Duck Duck Goose for 16 minutes. Really???!!! Can I repeat it's a 45 minute ballet class? My heart started to hurt when other little girls had been picked a second and a third time and Bella had not been picked once. Really????!!!! I don't blame the kids, I do blame the teacher. The little girl with glasses, also was not picked. These kiddos are too young for this and a good teacher should help the kids manage the landscape of fairness and inclusion. I wanted to go in there and never have Bella return. You don't get the joy of knowing this kid. She is awesome. She is fun. She is smart. She is kind. No I am not biased....but if you aren't going to be nice....you don't get to know her. Thankfully, I grew up before she got out of class. She loves this class. Will I sign her up for this class next year? No way! But all week, I was formulating what I was going to say if I saw the same thing this week. Someone must have said something because this week....no Duck Duck Goose.

One year home- "Mommies are better than chocolate"

2010-10-10T12:11:00.000-04:00

I have been putting this post off. What do I write. Bella has been home a year and she is doing beautifully. I have already told you that though. So, do I simply recap the past year. It is nothing like we expected or prepared for. She learned English much quicker, she grew taller, she bonded sooner...I can only credit Gladney and her first family.

Having said all that, I have really not too much to add. She started preschool.

She is going with an older group of kids but it does not phase her. She loves the exploring and the art. She made a mask that will be in a community arts walk. She is doing ballet. She is sooo serious about it.

The other kids are doing great. They could not imagine our life without Bella. They can not get enough of her. We saw Andrew last weekend and he "just want to make sure that you are bringing Bella." That is how they all are. Andrew is loving school. He is playing soccer, making great friends, joining clubs (investment) and simply staying too busy. Zach is playing soccer and loving middle school. The "too cool for school" attitude is alive and well in that child:) Eliza is running cross country and doing well in school. She gets to ride on the weekends. She keeps trying to plan a trip back to Ethiopia. We separated the girls this past August. Eliza needs her sleep and Bella is still coming into our bed. (Will that ever go away???) The girls have had a few "sleepovers" where Bella gets to sleep in Eliza's room. Bella loves that and so do I, because those are the only nights that she does not end up in our bed.

Bella woke up one morning singing, "Mommies are better than chocolate." I have to say, no matter how much I got kicked in the middle of the night...it makes it all okay:)

August on the Vineyard

2010-08-24T15:37:00.000-04:00

August. we went to Martha's Vineyard. First for Bella. Maybe last for us. House sold...so we will officially be renters. We had so much fun. Fishing off the pier. Clamming. Surfing. Swimming. Playing Phase 10 (card game). Chilmark chocolates. Bridge jumping. Walking through Edgartown...old whaling town, cobblestone streets, natural shingle homes, green shutters, white trim. Listening to Vineyard Sound (acapella group). Outdoor showers. Apple fritters from The Back Door. Sunset in Menemsha while eating lobsters on the beach.

A year ago we got the call that Bella was ours when we were leaving the vineyard. She has not even been home a year. We came home and she did a camp for a week. Heart breaking how she needed to make sure that I in fact would come back for her at the end of the day. Once she knew that...she had a ball. She is learning everyday that in fact she is home. For good. She loves and is loved. She did not want to leave the Vineyard. She loved the family being all together.

After getting back from the Vineyard. Bella went to camp. Eliza worked at a horseback riding camp. Andrew prepared for leaving for college. We packed, bickered and then went to NC a few days early. Jason booked us two yerts in the mountains of NC for a few days before we were to show up at HPU. You will have to wait to hear more about that trip and dropping Andrew off at college:)

July Happenings

2010-07-26T20:18:00.000-04:00

Fourth of July. A first. Fireworks, road race, parade, and barbecues. Our town even paints the center stripe red, white, and blue. Bella has star beads in her hair. Its all about the accessories:)

Bella takes everything in stride. She loves her daddy.

Potty trained. We are now potty trained. Just a month shy of 3 1/2 y. It took us a few weeks but she really wanted to be... finally got the hang of it.

Sleep. She still takes a nap (2-3hours). She has a hard time going down at night, though. I read a book. Cuddle. Rock. And then she wants to hold my hand...the problem is the routine can take an hour. I have found something that helps. Don't think I am cray...it's survival. She loves Eliza's I-touch. She plays with that for 5 minutes and then is out like a light. (Still comes into our bed in the middle of the night.) So much for my "no-technology rule" in the bedrooms. Ugh. This girl is genius in figuring out any technology, too.

Friend. She has several of her own friends now. She craves interaction with them, too. She went blueberry picking, too. She was so excited to see where blueberries come from. I can't wait to take her to the Vineyard this year. Fishing. Swimming. Jumping from the dock. So many firsts:)

I look back a year ago...and we were waiting. Emailing, texting, or calling Emily and Michelle kept me sane. What a blessing my new friends are. A year later they are still so dear to me. Almost a year and it feels like she has been home a lifetime.

June

2010-06-26T10:09:00.001-04:00

We are in the lazy hazy days of summer. The kids are done with school. The schedule is light. The days have no set pattern. I have started running. I ran 3 1/2 miles the other day. I have not run this far or this long since college. I feel really good and fit. It really has helped with my energy level with Bella. I also ordered and am watching The African Experience from The Teaching Company. (36 lectures by a Professor at NC State). I love it. I was not sure what to expect, but I have been nothing but pleased.
We have been going to the library almost every other day. It is Bella's favorite place, even if it is just a quick trip. We do story time on a farm, under a big tree

followed by visiting the animals or picnic lunches at a small beach in our town.

I think Bella is still growing like a weed. I keep expecting her to slow down a little. Can she really keep growing an inch a month? She is as funny as ever. Telling Zach..."you are driving my crazy" or me..."you are annoying me" when she does not get her way. I signed her up for ballet in the fall. She was so thankful and happy...it almost hurt my heart. Weeks later, she is still thanking me "for signing (her) up for ballerina." We made a few new friends, one of which is moving to CA.

Andrew went to another prom. We also had his graduation party. He is now getting ready for college. He is working a ton. He is also still playing soccer. I take him to High Point for early registration in a few weeks. It will be the first time I leave Bella over night. Jason will have her but I am still a little worried for her.

When I grow up, I want to be like Eliza. She ordered a few things on-line for herself, the boys, and Bella...who is the mom here? She noticed that they have free bridal wrap. She had her and Bella's items wrapped, saying"Imagine how excited she will be to open the box." She had the card read... "To help you fight the dragons," referring to Bella's slaying of the imaginary dragons the day earlier in the park. Bella was so excited to unwrap her little sneakers. I have so much to learn from this girl.

Zach graduated from elementary school.

So, life is good. Blessed. (Next time, I may write about thoughts/worries about raising a beautiful African girl in a town that is predominantly white or the stirrings to adopt again...just need to start writing it down...but for now another light post.)

Big and Little Happenings

2010-05-25T14:00:00.000-04:00

Big happenings:

My oldest has graduated from high school.

Little happenings:

Sweet.

Bad Blogger...life at warp speed continued * edited

2010-05-13T10:34:00.003-04:00

Life with a three year old is so much fun. We live so much more simple. We make a house for the flower fairies and wood elves. We made a chandelier out of sea glass and a table out of rocks. Bella loves imaginary play. The older kids are loving this stage. It is over so quickly, and this go around I am enjoying every moment...bc I know how fast it goes.

Andrew graduates next week. I will miss him terribly. The college process is really stressful on them. He was so torn between schools and rankings and what they had to offer. In the end he decided to go to High Point University in NC. They offered him a leadership and academic scholarship and they have a division 1 soccer program. He has won three awards/ scholarships this spring. The one of which I am most proud is the one given by his school for character on and off the field, striving for excellence in athletics and academics. One that young boys would think is cool...Major League Baseball gave him one for his work in Boston with volunteers of America. He got to meet Jason Varitek. He also had his prom. What a great time in his life this is. Stressful but exciting, too.

Eliza had her spring fling for the freshman at her school. She is also playing lacrosse. The reason Bella is wearing the same outfit is because they were the same night...no, not in the same town either. Now, you are getting the "warp speed" bit.

Zach is good. Well, at this very moment he has the stomach bug...but in general. He is good:)

Now for Bella, so much to tell. She is doing great. We are having a ball with her. She just had her 3y check up. She has grown 7 1/2 inches, and 2 lbs. She has grown 3 shoe sizes. I have to give Gladney credit. They started her on this path...we just get to see the amazing results. With our first mother's day behind us...I have been thinking so much of her ET mother. What to call her? She loved her baby girl. She nursed her baby girl. I am sure she had dreams for her, as well. What were they? She was so much more than a birth mom. We have started call her by her name. Don't think that I am crazy but...recently, Bella had surgery. Nothing big...just a biopsy on a mass. Sounds scarier than it should. While I was snuggling with Bella coming out of surgery...I was thinking and praying for her mother in heaven. There is no part of my heart that Bella has not colored. We are completely synchronized. I feel like I have a friend in Arfosa. As she watches her daughter grow, I think she would be happy...not the way it was meant to be, but at peace. I think that she would know how much she is loved and cherished. Bella wants to be a doctor or a soccer player (go figure). She just got small lacrosse sticks. She loves American Idol. Her eating is great...loves hummus, yogurt, and M&Ms. She loves going on errands with Andrew. She will miss him terribly next year. She loves Ruth and Aster and another set of ET twins Aster and Milkie. She loves to be read to. She loves to be rocked.

Okay, so I am going to try and be better about blogging. I am also loving my morning ritual. My new goal is to do yoga every day for a year. I am the three month mark. It feels great. I feel less rickety and less old:)

* so this is why I don't blog much...as I wrote this post little Miss B got into the sorry game, the monopoly game, connect 4...all pieces are on the floor in the family room...I guess they needed to be organized. That is what I will be doing for the next hour. Oh dear.

Easter

2010-04-09T14:58:00.000-04:00

Easter with Bella. She had a ball looking for eggs. She can't believe they make bunnies that are made of chocolate. This is a little girl who loves chocolate and Pez. The day was filled with all types of goodies...from candy, to a beautiful mass, to peaceful family walk following a filling dinner/late lunch. Jason then took the three older kids to opening day, Sox v Yankees. Bella and I stayed home....this is where creativity comes in.

We watch old movies and decorated our journals. I have been writing, painting, gluing, doodling, etc in mine every day as part of my morning ritual. I have gotten Bella her own little journal and toolkit. Her toolkit is filled with the same things mine is filled with but in the kid version.... paints, scissors, crayons, pens, etc. She pulls it out and does whatever moves her. I use mine to write poetry, thoughts, hopes, quotes, scripture... It has been a lesson in awakening. I wrote my first poem since high school the other day. Now, I know this may be hard to believe... but I did not graduate a year ago... or even five years ago. I use to love writing... and I just got away from it. I want Bella to love writing, drawing, painting, or whatever speaks to her little creative self. Here are our journals and an example of the pages inside... just a thought that may help shake the winter blahs away making room for spring...

Morning Ritual is Back

2010-03-26T08:39:00.000-04:00

Something no one told me about adoption that took me a little by surprise was the fog that I entered after bringing Bella home. It is not too dissimilar from the one I entered when I brought my older three newborns home. Life was so crazy before Bella came home, from the preparation of paperwork, appts with social workers and doctors, preparation of Bella's room, packing, gathering of humanitarian aid, and preparation for a new member. Then she is suddenly there (although, it did not feel so sudden.) Life comes to a stand still in some ways and then picks up speed in others. One of the things that fell to the wayside is a concrete morning ritual. I don't think that I exercised or really read a book for 5 months. For two weeks I have been reestablishing my morning ritual. I can feel my mind and body reawakening. Even though I am waking up 45 minutes earlier than I was...I feel more directed, rested, alive, nurtured, patient, and grounded. Just putting it out there for whoever may be tired and feel like there is just enough time in the day...

This is what my routine looks like:
5:45 get out of bed to do a yoga routine, followed by my coffee in a special mug (see above-enjoying it on so many levels), bible study/daily devotional/prayer, and journal writing. I usually have time to get a sandwich or two prepared for lunch and even share a few words over a cup of coffee with Andrew before he is out the door. By the time Bella is up, I am ready to be fully present for her. Okay, maybe not fully present...but I am working on that :) On the weekends, my peaceful time alone is actually lnger because the teens are in bed until later.

Six months/3y old

2010-03-22T07:07:00.003-04:00

Bella woke up to her room filled with balloons on her birthday. She loved the princess balloon the most. The following pics were from a picnic dinner at the harbor. She loved throwing rocks in the water and playing soccer and lacrosse with the older kids.

I can't believe it has been 6m. Bella turned 3 about a week ago, too. Truly, it is as if she has been with us forever...mostly (I'll get to that in a moment.) We had our 6m post placement visit, too. Our SW is shocked and amazed at how well she is doing...in language, in development, in attachment, and in confidence. All good news. A Bella story: When asked what time she goes to bed...Bella answered before I could. "After, American Idol." Oh well, I asked the SW can you lie and say 8? :)

Now keeping it real...there are small reminders that if fact she did not come to us without some wounds. When I leave her with Jason or the kids...she still asks me..."but you are my mommy, right?" It is as if she is making sure we aren't going to have a shift change. Then last night, I left her with Jason. they were having a ball running errands and just hanging around. Out of the blue, (so out of the blue that Jason thought she was kidding at first) she gets up in her chair at the table and puts her head down and starts to wail for me. Tears running down her face asking Jason get me. She has never done this before. Did she think I wasn't coming home? I don't know but she is def processing something. While she has been sleeping the whole night in her bed...the past several nights she has been coming in with us. It serves as a good reminder to me that while she is doing so well...there is an unknown. There is a hurt that will need to heal. She will come to trust that we are going nowhere. That in fact we are her mommy and daddy. How will we know that she knows. I don't know. Maybe she will stop asking before one of us is leaving her. Maybe we will just know. Or maybe not. i do know that when I start to get impatient with her because she is taking so long to get in her car seat, or my back is killing me because 30lbs is alot to carry...I think back to a year ago when we knew her but had never held her. What I would have given to have an aching back, then! What I would have given to be waiting for her to climb in her seat instead of on a court date! So, I am enjoying the waiting and the aching, now. I trust she won't want me to carry her when she is 100lbs:)

Six months home. She is doing much better than I imagined. She is doing better than the SW could have imagined. I have to give credit where it is due. I truly believe that she is doing as well as she is for a few reasons. 1. pure blessing 2. who she is 3. what she experienced at Gladney (there almost exactly one year) and 4. what she experienced with her ET family.

Firsts

2010-03-10T19:25:00.005-05:00

We are on the eve of a big first. Bella's first birthday home. Bella Zenash will be 3 tomorrow. Tomorrow is also the first day we saw our sweet girls face. A year ago we got her referral. She has been home for almost 6 months.

Here are some other firsts:

First time she has been sick...double pneumonia.

First time she went on vacation with us as a family of six.3

First time she played in the sand at a beach.

First time she surfed:).

First time she met one of her poppies.

First time she went swimming (and she LOVES it).

First time she slept away from her bed.

There are too many to list. All the more reason to adopt a toddler...so many firsts even when they come home at 2 1/2. The more time she is home the more we get to know this little girl. She is confident, she is loving, she is pretty easy going, she loves to sing and dance, she loves to swim, she loves to try new things. She is so much a part of who we are that we can't imagine what life would be like if we had not adopted.

I seem to have trouble uploading images... once figure it all out I will post pics. Meanwhile I will post on facebook.

Learning

2010-02-11T16:41:00.004-05:00

How to shave???? This is what you get when you have a 2 year old and an 18 year old...

Bella loves her big brother. When he is home...and that is not much, she wants to just hang around him. This time it was to watch him shave. Before we knew it she had cream on her face and was using a popsicle stick to "shave." If she every grows a beard, she will be prepared:)

February with Bella

2010-02-07T15:21:00.004-05:00

I know I know...three weeks and no post. Life happens.

Bella was really sick. Had double pneumonia. It was shocking how quickly she went down hill...but also, how quickly she returned to normal. Both were sooo fast. She is doing well now.

Some Bella-isms:

"I like my shower cold, mommy likes her shower hot." (unfortunately she likes to take a shower with me...so guess who has been taking cold showers:)

After getting frustrated with the cat jumping on the counter, and pushing the cat off, my 2 year reprimands me.... "Gently, mommy." (ew...I guess I better be nice to the kitty.)

Her favorite greeting..."Hello, Bombshell" (Victoria Secret add??? What has she been watching?!!!!! and then egged on by the older kids who think she is sooo funny)

Lining all her dollies up on the couch...telling them "shhhh" and then singing Amen ( a la gospel music style).

She is awesome, smart, giggly, funny, and simply fun to have around. The frenetic play that I wrote about has all but disappeared. We have not seen it for so long I am not sure if we will again. She sleeps in her crib. She still is an iffy eater but she ha snow grown 5 inches in the 4 months she has been home. (now in the 20% ) She has maybe gained a half of a pound. (50%)

We had her hair braided on Friday and the beautiful black woman confirmed what I was learning...her hair is soft so won't hold the style so well. It is best for her to wear it down or in little pony/pig tails. I attached pics of her hair being done though.

2010-01-14T07:49:00.003-05:00

My dear friend Emily gave me this award. Have not been a good blogger lately so....I decided I would try and do it. One word is all you need. Shouldn't be so hard. Well, here you go. My answers to the questions that required one word answers- more difficult than you think. :)

1. Where is your cell phone? counter

2. Your hair? toolong

3. Your mother? Gentle

4. Your father? Strong

5. Your favorite food? Indian

6. Your dream last night? Frightening

7. Your favorite drink? Coffee

8. Your dream / goal? better me

9. What room are you in? Office

10. Your hobby? Cooking

11. Your fear? Mice

12. Where do you want to be in six years? serving

13. Where were you last night? Idol

14. Something that you aren't? type B

15. Muffins? Cupcakes

16. Wish list item? great boots

17. Where did you grow up? Europe/Asia/Virginia

18. Last thing you did? texted

19. What are you wearing? Jeans

20. Your TV? On

21. Your pets? Willow, Jasper, Cinderella, Lucky (wish I could do just one word...)

22. Friends? Gifts

23. Your life? Blessed

24. Your mood? prayerful

25. Missing someone? Mom

26. Vehicle? Tahoe

27. Something your not wearing? Shoes

28. Your favorite store? Bookstore

29. Your favorite color? Pink

30. What was the last time you laughed? Lastnight

31. Last time you cried? Today (watching the news)

32. Your best friend? Jason

33. One place that I could go over and over? Martha's Vineyard

34. One person who emails you regularly? Michele

35. Favorite place to eat? City

I pass the award on to:

Michelle: Like Emily, she is a friend that I made through the blogs...but has become so much more. She has wonderful insight and is a great mom. She is smart and articulate and if you have not checked out her blog...you should.

Katy: Has the most beautiful twins. She and her husband are great. At the risk of sounding 15...they are really cool. He is in a band, a really good band and she is smart and funny. I can tell you, that she makes having twins look easy.

Maribeth: Passed court today and is now the parent to two beautiful brothers, in addition to the to sweet children she already had. It has been great watching the journey from afar and I thought you may need something fun to do other than pack:)

Heidi: Heidi just received her referrral for twin 2 year old brothers. They are sweet little boys. I can't wait until thet are home.

Life at Warp Speed (oops, I mean with a toddler)

2010-01-09T11:30:00.003-05:00

What was my life like before Bella? I don't remember. I do need to make time for exercise and yoga but I have not as of yet. Bella rode her first horse! She loved it. She wanted to jump like Eliza. I signed Bella up for preschool for next year (in my town you do it this early...go figure.). I love the woman who runs it. She loves Africa. The kids make art books (each letter of the alphabet is a different art project), masks, study animal habitats, make jewelry to sell and then decide what charity to give the money to, make musical instruments... It is a non-traditional program but I think Bella will love it. Zach went there for kindergarten enrichment and loved it. Have I mentioned that Bella has grown 4 inches in the three months she has been home? She has too many words now to count. She is trying to spell her name. She is the sweetest little cherub ever!

Andrew is in several schools. One of his safety schools asked him to apply for a presidential scholarship. If he gets it... what do we do???? Decisions, decisions, decisions???? Do you go with a better known program or take a risk and have less debt?

Food network is my new favorite background noise. We have tried ad loved so many recipes. I will have to start posting some.

This afternoon, I am headed to an arts center with a friend. We are taking a class on making natural cremes, lotions, and facial treatments. Crazy, but I am really excited:)

I also met the nicest woman at bible study. She sent me a list of hair products and a daily routine for Bella. I will do a post on it next week when I have a good hour to sit down and write.

Life is good, crazy but good. We feel very blessed.

Christmas (3 Months home)

2009-12-22T08:58:00.002-05:00

Wow! During the adoption process time takes on an interesting quality. Two parallel tracks at polar opposite speeds...and you dance between the two. That quality continues. It feels like Bella has been part of our family forever. Everyone of us is madly in love with her. She continues to do really well. Her language explosion has slowed just a bit but I can see her working on some of the more subtle points of language... pronouns (when to use which ones...you, me, I, etc). She has more words and more words strung together than the older three did at her age. Her newest thing:

B: sneeze (fake, sometimes)

Us: bless you

B: thank you

Us: your welcome

She could do this all day long. She loves it when we sneeze and she has the other part. Her eating has improved dramatically. I don't have to put as much thought into what and how much she eaten. Don't get me wrong...she is a typical two year old eater...but at least I can count on her eating one good meal. She has not gained much if any weight but has grown about 4 inches. She is finally on the height charts (I think). She takes a multivitamin, a multi mineral, and an omega 3 chew. Sleeping improved and then went back to not so good. She comes in with Jason and me every night at about 1am. She is processing something. She is dreaming something. This is where I wish she had a little more language, but in the meantime...she is in with us. Everyone expects that she would be excited about Christmas...she's not. That would assume she knows what is coming. She has no idea what and when. She thinks the trees are "konjo" (pretty) and she had so much fun decorating. She loves baby Jesus in the manger. She loves the snow and playing in it. She takes everything in stride. Some things we will set out to work on early in the new year...sharing with kids her age (thank you Ruth, Aster, Aster, and Milki for being patient), sleeping in her own bed, language, and potty training:)

Now for the three older kids. Andrew has gotten into several schools. He still has to hear from a few. Choosing will balance several factors (cost, majors, soccer, and friends). Eliza turned 15. She is plotting and planning how she can get back to Ethiopia. Zach is loving being a big brother. Life probably changed the most for him when Bella came home. He has become a great big brother. He loves to hold Bella's hand while she falls asleep in her crib.

What a year it has been! Merry Christmas!

Bella Update

2009-12-03T14:12:00.007-05:00

No pics this time. Camera is broken and at the shop getting fixed. I was able to upload one from my phone:)

Bella is doing really well.

Her language continues to amaze me. Her understanding is even more of an amazement. Not to sound obnoxious, but she is really bright. Not sure how it will translate into the school environment but street smarts...she is tops. After a weekend of watching soccer...she figured out that the boys sometimes fake injury to get a call. She then entertained the family...falling down on the kitchen floor, holding her ankle saying "he tripped me, he tripped me." She then looks over hops up and does it again. The only problem I foresee is the post placement visits with our social worker :) No seriously, she has more words and more words strung together than her older siblings did at this age...and can I remind you...English is their first and only language (and they are relatively bright.)

Sleeping- She is now sleeping through the night in her bed. She shortened her nap from 2 1/2 hour to only 1 1/2 hour. It has only been 5 days but we are hoping we have turned the corner.

Eating-marginally better. She is eating. She is drinking milk which she was not doing before. She has a sweet tooth. She does like spicy food and other food not normally fed to toddlers.

She loves to clean. She walks around the house with Windex and a paper towel, spraying all surfaces. She loves the swiffer.

She loves the dogs. One of my dogs, Willow, drives me crazy not listening. My secret weapon...Bella. Willow listens to Bella. Go figure?

We are getting better at the hair braiding. Well, Eliza is. She takes Bella and sits her down...braiding. This started back when Bella came to us asking us to make her hair konjo. (Okay, that just brings up so many trans racial issues for me....so we will be the best hair braiders on the block.) I have to say I actually like her hair unbraided - a lot.

She is a typical two year old who wants her way but she is pretty easily tractable when you explain why or when she can have something....tomorrow, later, not at all bc its dangerous, enough, etc. The one thing that we have noticed is that when she is overwhelmed by her environment either because of sensory overload or a lot going around her she has a frenetic quality to her play. This has dramatically improved but we still see it occasionally. We expected to see it over Thanksgiving and did not. She is learning to enjoy story time. She is learning to enjoy quiet activities like coloring.

Life is Good

2009-11-19T12:50:00.002-05:00

Sorry I have not blogged recently. We have been busy because:

a. Bella-an active, curious, toddler

b. Andrew-in the throws of college application

c. I am Mom to four children trying to make sure I don't forget anyone anywhere

d. Putting house on the market-dream house is for sale so should we go for it?

e. all of the above

Answer:e

So much going on in the house. Bella is truly a blessing. She is amazing and wonderful and tiring and (have I said) awesome! She is every bit of two. She can be naughty, and fresh, and head strong.... she is a delight. Every bit of her. Her language is taking off. She says things like "oh my goodness," "Bella-do," "Phone is ringing...I'll get it." "I want to watch veggie tales." She runs (actually is really fast) and climbs onto everything (loves being on the counter while I do dishes or make dinner). The absolute cutest thing that she is doing right now is...when she goes for a walk with Eliza or is being put down to bed...she will go through a list of things we need to do...kisses, noses (Eskimo kisses), hugs, high five, and then knuckle touch. I just think she is deliciously sweet. When she is rough with Zach and ends up in time out....a second later she will say.."I sowwy, I sowwy, I sowwy, Zach" I guess what I am saying is she is everything and more than we could have ever asked for or wanted.

Her eating is crummy. Both what she eats and how much. She is a peanut. Her weight is fine although since being home it she has lost weight. She eats sometimes but never consistently. We are getting a bit more structured about her mealtime. She is not on the height charts. because of this...she is on a multi vitamin and multi mineral. They are the only thing I can guarantee she will eat (oh yeah...marshmallows, too).

Her sleeping is crummy. She goes down for a nap and at night beautifully. She wakes and comes into bed with us 9 out of 10 nights. She does not sleep well. We do not sleep well but....snuggles in and makes sure we are there (she rubs Jason's beard to make sure it's him-not sure who else she is expecting)...so, we will be tired but we will be there...and one day she will stay in her bed.

She is prone to being overwhelmed and overstimulated. When that happens there is a frenetic quality to her behavior. We have gone to church with her two times. We have left before church started. We are very low key with her. Don't have her signed up for much more than a mommy and me music class-which we will take a break from during flu season. We keep her on somewhat of a rigid schedule.

She loves her brothers and sisters. She just squeals when they get home. The one that takes me most by surprise is Andrew. She shares Andrew's love of music. They sing together about everything. I mean everything. If I can download a ditty they have about milk....I will.

Andrew has been busy applying to colleges, playing soccer, and going on official visits (a sports term.) His high school did a nice article on his community service. He also made the super-y National Olympic Development team list. So a little balance for a few disappointments he has had this soccer season, including an injury at the beginning of the season. Life is a great blend of both highs and lows. He leaves for Florida tomorrow for national play-offs. Bella keeps me distracted and allows me to step back from his college process and not add any stress to it.

Oh and just so you don't think that I am some Pollyanna...Zach's teacher called and he has been way too chatty. She also said and I quote, "Don't let the grades on his report card fool you. Yes, they are good but he does NOTHING. He speeds through his work and then just hangs out. No effort....no extra credit." What am I going to do with him???? Ugh. Can you say "surfer-dude"?

We don't remember life before Bella. She adds such a wonderful spice to our life now. Jason brought up adopting another the other day. I had the same reaction that I had with Andrew, Eliza, and Zach, before and now Bella...but how could I possibly love another child like I love the four that live in this house....and I am reminded...THAT is the gift. You just do. One day you don't even know the child and the next you can't imagine waking up without them in your life. Each day I am so grateful for the four very different gifts that I have.

*** camera is broken sorry not many pictures

Week Four

2009-10-21T07:46:00.006-04:00

Bella discovers the rocking horse in the attic and the helmets in her room. Eliza is so excited there may be another rider in the family.

Bella's first ice cream. It was a hit.

Life is settling into a new normal. It is a bit less busy in one regard, because taking a two year old out to board meetings just does not work. So my schedule has opened up. Also, lunch with friends at local haunts has been limited because I am trying to keep Bella's nap schedule a little inflexible. Other than that my friends have been wonderful. They meet me for coffee or bring lunch.

Her transition has been seamless. We do talk about the notorious honeymoon period and wonder if we are in one. Some of parenting her is soooo different than parenting our older ones.

1. When she first came home...she would not cry if she fell. We would have encouraged the behavior in the older ones. Not so in her...we made a huge fuss with her and with anyone of the olders that got bumped (comical really). She now comes to us for a kiss on her boo boo. She also cries appropriately when she gets bumped badly.

2. I never allowed the olders to watch videos...and at the time, cars did not have DVD players in them. Now, when driving the olders to their activities....Bella occasionally watches Baby Einstein and Veggie tales. She loves them both. Einstein has helped with word acquisition. She loves the music in Veggie Tales.

3. Oh my goodness, my house is driving me crazy but I am okay with it, for the moment. It is unorganized (check out the drawers in my kitchen) and toys have no home. I am okay with it. This would have made me crazy but for now....I am just enjoying Bella.

4. Each week we try or tackle something new. This week we started a Mommy and Me music class. She was quiet and hung on tight to me but she was taking it all in. After class she sang the songs and did the finger play but during class she appeared uninterested. We are learning about her as much as she is learning about our world. She sits back and observes the "rules of engagement." I am curious to see how much more open she will be next week.

2009-10-21T07:46:00.001-04:00

Zach Attack turns 11

2009-10-20T18:01:00.003-04:00

The eleven things that I love about you:

1. You are so passionate about soccer...read, play, watch, know soccer.

2. You are a gifted player...God made you to play soccer.

3. You pray every night for a list of people. Once you make it on Zach's list...you are there for good. God listens to those prayers, too.

4. You have a heart of goodness...you love so completely. "I love her (Bella) already." (the day after our referral).

5. You believe that you can do anything. "I am going to be the first person to play both soccer and lacrosse for UVA."

6. You love fishing.

7. You have the heart of a prankster.

8. You still want me and dad to kiss you goodnight. (Please don't ever get too old for that."

9. You love spending time with your family..games, reading, watching soccer.

10. You have one eye that is both blue and brown. So special.

11. You have the most laid back personality-think, surfer or Jimmy Buffet.

There is so much more....

Happy Birthday Z!

**Please pray for this family...that tomorrow is their day to bring home their beautiful boy.

Three weeks

2009-10-10T07:17:00.003-04:00

Home for 3 weeks.

Can't believe she has not been with our family forever. She is unbelievable. She is so funny and fun. She is actually small for her age, although very healthy. She is right on target for her age developmentally. She did have some catching up to do with some of the things US kids are expected to do...stairs...but 2 weeks in she had them down.

Sleeping is okay. She is in a crib but I don't let her cry. She is held or rocked until she is sleepy and then she holds my hand until she is asleep. We have not mastered the sleep thing, but we are making progress.

Eating. She does not eat veggies or any fruit but bananas and applesauce. She loves bagels, meat, coffee, tea, orange juice, spaghetti sauce on spaghetti. She is not a great eater. She has actually lost several pounds from the last update we got before we got her. I have Ethiopian food for her, too.

Safety. Cars. She has no fear of moving cars and had no concept of sidewalk v. street. I have nightmares about this one.

Bonding. This child (as all deserve to be) is wired to be cherished. This is just one way she shows it....she had a scratch on her nose. Like I do or did with my older kids...I went to put neosporin on it and you would think that she had been handed a wrapped gift. She hugged and kissed me so tightly that you could forget that she is a two year old. She then proceeded to show me her other little marks/scars so I could put some on them. It is now part of our bed time routine. Bonding is a process, but we are so much further than I expected. She is on my hip but venturing out. For those of you reading books....she is social referencing. She is absolutely snugly and loves being rocked and held and cooed too.

Siblings. She loves her siblings. She runs to them when they walk in the door. She loves to do anything to get them to laugh. See video below.

Daddy. the first week she had very little to do with Jason. I think it hurt his feelings because truly he is the FUN parent. He has a great way with little ones. He coaches and is very involved. She still needs me to be around but she is sooo excited when she hears his car pull in.

Toddler adoption. Do it. Is it work? Yes. Is it worth it? So.

This is a hard thing for me to write about because sometimes it is really hard...the adjustment and the bonding. I mean really hard. I lived it. My sister was adopted as a toddler (even younger toddler than Bella) 35 years ago. Before the books. Before the therapists. Before the studies. She had/has severe bonding issues. There in lies the need to tell you that not all toddler adoption is hard. Physically...it is hard. Going from 0-2 overnight. Hard. Lifting the 30lbs. Hard. Sleep deprivation. Hard. Going back to diapers. Yucky. Occasional tantrums. Inconvenient. Loving this child. Not hard.

The Adventures of Bella Bean: life at warp speed**edited

2009-09-30T19:45:00.004-04:00

I can't believe that we have been home less than 2 weeks. I can't remember life before Bella. She is growing like a weed. She is incredibly funny. She is incredibly active. Some random thoughts:

1. Don't buy anything before they get home. Okay, maybe not, anything. But hold off on as much as you can. For example: we bought a high chair...she wants to be like the big kids so it goes unused.

2. Sleep is over rated:) We are adjusting but sleep is a sticking point. She actually is improving though.

3. This is what my Tuesday looked like: Woke up at 5:50. Took shower. Dressed in clean clothes. Got Bella dressed. Went down stairs. Observed mess created by dog #1 (has not happened in 8 years). Cleaned up mess. Got Bella breakfast. Got older children out the door for school. Sat down to enjoy cup of coffee. Bella climbs on my lap (so sweet). Bella pulls full cup of coffee on me, upholstered chair, rug, and somehow did not get anything on her (thank goodness). Clean mess. Change into clean clothes #2..... All before 7am:)

3. Cont'd What Monday night looked like.... Observe Bella with car keys. Two minutes later keys gone. Proceed to tear house apart to find keys. No luck. Decide to start at square one... there they are...she had put them away:)

4. Bonding is an on going process...it does not happen overnight even when it feels like it does. Small little reminders surface to remind me that she is not use to having a mommy of her own:)

The Day we Met

2009-09-25T18:09:00.002-04:00

Travis delivered Bella to us. You could hear her crying two blocks away. (Not exaggerating). When he came to the gate she had stopped only to start up again when she saw us. She cried for a good 20 minutes with me holding her and just saying..."it's okay, ishy, ishy, ishy." she calmed a little bit and we pulled out silly string. I pointed and shot and it unintentionally went all over Jason's face. We all were surprised....shock value...she stopped crying. After that we just played quietly along side each other with some Polly Pockets that I picked up on sale. I have no idea how long we played, but it was for a long time. She slowly relaxed. We ate a snack and took a short nap. When she got up, I expected more of the same...but she was fine. She has been my "cling-on" since. While in country we made the decision that we would not use a care giver. We would only leave her with Jason, me, or Eliza. We felt it was too confusing for her. Other families used them with no long term problem. We just thought at her age it was too much. Are we done with the bonding process...no way. She needs to learn to trust that I will come back if I go, she needs to learn that I love her no matter what - she was told "no" sternly after biting me and she simply crumbled, that hurt my heart more than the bite...she is still processing so much and will probably process forever but we are doing well. Better than I expected. There are moments that I just hurt for all that she has lost-things that she is completely unaware of at the moment, some she is not unaware of. she went around the house calling for a friend still in care. I pulled out the pictures to show her. She used her special care giver's name...and again I pulled out the pictures.

I will post later on adopting an "older" child. Funny that she is considered by some to be older. She is a baby. Everything is so new. But I will leave you with just a thought...if you are torn, or thinking about increasing your age...we were and did. We are also so very happy we did increase the age. Had we not listened to our hearts and gotten a little nudge from this mom....we would not have our sweet baby.

More later.... Bella is restless :)

Life on the Run

2009-09-24T10:54:00.003-04:00

Home! Our trip was amazing. Ethiopia is beautiful. Bella is amazing. The whole experience is braided in heartwarming and heart breaking. Some of the families that we traveled with will be life long friends. Gladney is the best. They love the kids (I know you hear that all the time, but they really do). I will right more about the experience, later. I love my little shadow, even if my back hurts, I am sleep deprived, my pants have jam prints on them, and the house is not as cleans as it use to be. She is smart, strong, beautiful, and every bit of two. With that said Iam off to play dolly with my sweet child.

2 days

2009-09-10T07:01:00.002-04:00

2 days and I am not posting about the packing, the medical proxy, the filling of the freezer, the humanitarian aid, the excitement to bring Bella home, the fear of the unknown. No, I am writing about every day life with an athletic teenager. I woke up this morning way too early thinking about Andrew and this is my way of working it out.

The above picture was taken when he had a 103 fever. He was sick for a good 9 days. This was 2 weeks ago. He improved just in time to participate in soccer tryouts. He is a captain of his team and he takes it so seriously. First jamboree, 3 games, he collides with a boy from another team. The other boy loses several teeth and Andrew has an imprint on his forehead from those teeth. (First year that mouth guards are not required. Maybe they should rethink that.)

That was Friday of last week. Second scrimmage (please not... they have not even played an official game) a boy from the other team kicks his foot. So he has been nursing it. No big deal, right? Wrong. It really hurts. He has a really high threshold of pain. He had it x-rayed. Nothing. Doctor suspects it could be a stress fracture. Bone scan scheduled for next Tuesday. Where will we be???? Half the world away. So every morning, I ask and he tell me...no improvement. None. Nada. Advil doesn't seem to help. Its not even swollen. He has not been able to practice. He is a bear. He is mopey. He is feeling like he is letting his team and coach down. he sits on the side and does sit ups and push ups. He site at the dinner table an has a ball cradled btwn his feet. What to do?

So this morning I could not sleep. Woke up and started to go through me emails. My devotional this morning is about... being in His peace when things go awry or are crazy. Okay that hit home. So this morning...I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am checking off my to do list. And I am going to stay in His peace. There is a great plan. Maybe it is some other young man's time to shine. It is Andrew's time to be quiet and watch from the side lines. (and who knows maybe its nothing:)

Preparations are underway. (8 days and counting)

2009-09-04T08:31:00.005-04:00

Prep continues.

We have our travel plans down. Driving to NY, flying out Emirates. Staying at Ayat 2. that seemed to be the easiest part of the planning.

We have Jason's father staying with the boys. We were going to get a recently graduated college student to stay with them but then Andrew got sick. A nice little reminder that they may need more than a chaperon at night.

We have all of our documents ready. Bela's clothes are collected and ready for packing. Humanitarian aid is almost completely packed.

Some of the other preps-

Made a 2 paper chains with Zach. One for when we leave and one for when we come back. Even though he is 10, he has enjoyed the visual.

Dogs to kennel-that way when Bela gets home she is not traumatized by two friendly but large dogs.

Stocking freezer for father-in-law and beyond. I am going next Wednesday to Make and Take. Check it out if you have one. You can make full dinners (feeds 6-8) or half dinners (feed 3-4). What's nice is you have the flexibility to make what your family will like. I like to keep a couple in the freezer for those nights that time gets away from me, or we have a late game. They are good and so much better than pizza or fast food and much less expensive than take out.

Collecting small (inexpensive items) to put together a bag for each boy so they know that we are thinking of them. We can not count on being able to talk or connect with them. So this is our way of just touching base with a quick I love you each morning. The small items include magic tricks, a book, candy, Gatorade jelly beans, a gas card, a dunkin donuts card (remember I have a 17 year old).

Getting a few gifts together for in country staff:)

That is just a few of the prep items. Some of the more fun ones. We are 8 days away from getting on a plane and 10 days away from meeting our little one. WOW! We got a picture yesterday... could she possibly have gone from 2 to 16 over night? Love the eye roll. Truly, when I see this baby smile, I think I will cry (now, that will be be confusing for her, won't it?)

12 days until we leave....

2009-08-31T15:04:00.003-04:00

Am I packing?

No. I am in the middle of school prep, soccer try-outs, and doctor visits. This is life. Crazy busy. Andrew has been sick. He seems to be on the mend. He has try-outs for his high school soccer team...he is a captain so he will make the team. Unfortunately the fever sneaks back by the end of the day (not high, but just a reminder that he is in fact not a super hero). Whatever he has had...has been kicking him to the curb. Oh well...a small distraction.

Zach is getting his school supplies together and soccer starts up for him this week. He will be staying home with Andrew and Jason's dad.

Eliza has been getting her uniform and books ready for high school. She is all set. She is so excited about the trip to Ethiopia I think that the first day of school will go unnoticed.

Me...I have been: visiting with one of my best friends in the hospital, hovering (a bit) over Andrew, brushing up on my last minute Amharic (which I probably will lose when I step onto the plane because of overload of excitement), buying school books and supplies, checking school shoes (flip flops will be put away). What's a mom to do? The 18 hours on a quiet flight may be just what I need. No cell phone. No emails. This may be a much needed vacation. Oh, that's right...I am adopting a toddler. Life is about to hit hyper-speed. And you know what? I can't wait to have her home :)

The Whirlwind!

2009-08-20T11:38:00.004-04:00

She's ours! I haven't been able to sit down and really think about it. is the roller coaster really pulling into the station. Or are we simply getting on another ride? That's the thing about parenting and maybe life in general, it's quite a ride.

We got the call on the vineyard. The last day of our two weeks out there. The thing is it was soooo late. 2:15. I was preparing myself for not so good news. Texting back and forth with one sweet friend. Emailing back and forth with another sweet friend. I was about to hand the phone over to my 17 year old so he could stand watch while Jason and I went for a second kayak ride and it rang. I threw the phone to Jason (think hot-potato). I felt like crying before he even answered it. I could tell it was good news though as soon as Jason answered and I truly was even closer to crying. She's ours. I will get to watch over this sweet little quiet girl. I will get to read her stories at night. I will get to put the band-aid on her skinned knees. I will get to walk her to school.

We will drive to New York, and take Emirates to ET. Timing and layovers drove our decision (no pun intended). We are bringing Eliza. Boys are staying home. Hard decision. First full week of school. Eliza was talking colleges with Andrew. (She will be a freshman-in HS). We had already decided kids had to stay home because of school. She is telling him that she is going to major in pre-med with a minor in African Studies. She is reading There is No Me Without You. She was a major driving force in our looking at adopting from Africa. She wants to live in Africa. She has taught herself more Amharic than I have learned (okay to be fair she is younger than I am :) She has loved Africa since she was a small child. The list goes on and on.... but the cost in money, in high school, and will Bela need our undivided attention. It was decided when the Vice Principal of her school called and said..."How can you not take her? She is meant to go. This is a calling." She is old enough to back off if needed. She is amazing with little ones if needed and most of all she will see Ethiopia for the first time with her sister. We leave on the 12th and will have Bela in our arms on the 14th.

We have our lodging as of today. Now, on to the packing and settling the plans for the boys and the dogs and preparing for the school year for the three older kids...oh my gosh, I am a mom to four!

Please could you pray for this sweet family to pass court....

And if you need anything delivered for your little one...I would be honored to deliver small packages or take pictures. We lived on these pictures when we were waiting.

Introducing....

2009-08-14T15:17:00.001-04:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Tomorrow

2009-08-13T16:31:00.003-04:00

Is tomorrow our day? Will we have a new daughter tomorrow? I am amazingly calm today. Preparing for the unexpected. Praying for good news. My sweet friend and I were talking and commiserating that int'l adoption is not for the faint of heart. Don't do it if you don't like the scariest and most twisted rides at the amusement park. Not for you if have next month's dinners planned, or you have an agenda book that is filled in 15m increments. But the promise of this sweet child being in our family, calling me mom, growing, thriving, learning, healing....has got me hooked. So tonight, I will buckle my seat belt, and pull the bar down and prepare for the ride....who knows maybe it will pull into the station.

The Vineyard has been so relaxing. I highly recommend going on vacation for the two weeks before your court date. Jason and I have a tradition of taking each of the kids out for a solo breakfast or lunch (less expensive than dinner) so that they get some one on one time. Zach's was today. He wanted to grab breakfast sandwiches and fish of the dock in the rain. Nothing fancy about that boy. (I will post pics when we get home.)

July Books and Count Down

2009-08-06T13:54:00.002-04:00

After I read every adoption book out there on the process and then on bonding I turn to another genre. Fiction and non-fiction on Ethiopia. Just kidding, somewhat. I did read some books that had nothing to do with Ethiopia or Africa...but these were the books that I loved this past month.

There is No Me Without You. A non-fiction. Greene is beyond gifted. She takes human interest stories and blends the hard facts...some of them medical in nature..in seamlessly. Beautifully written. Hard and sad and surprisingly uplifting. I can't believe that it took me so long to pick this book up...and then when I did...it took me no time to finish. This may be one of my all time favorite books.

Sweetness in the Belly. This was recommended to me by a blog friend. Fiction. Part of this book takes place in Ethiopia. A behind the scenes look into the lives of devout muslims in Ethiopia. I really enjoyed reading this book. It also goes into some of the history of the past 50 years. The daughter of english hippies is raised by a Sufi muslim after her parents are killed.
Cutting with Stone. Fiction. Takes place in Ethiopia. Easy read. Twins "adopted" and raised by two doctors become doctors.

With 8 days until court....I need to find more books to read. After that I hope to be busy getting ready to travel. We are still away. The Vineyard has been really relaxing. The weather has been less than perfect but we are enjoying time together. (Actually, Zach and Andrew were just wrestling...and now Zach is crying...oops...I spoke too soon.)

Officially Counting Down

2009-08-01T07:20:00.002-04:00

A year ago this was the kids on the vineyard. We had thought and hoped and prayed that this year there would be a little one in the front of the picture. That is not to be, but next year:) we are letting ourselves count down once again. Gluttons for punishment or optimistic? Thirteen days until little B's file does to court.

We are off to the Vineyard. As any parent of a teenager knows that is not an easy thing. Jason will take the younger ones and I will take Andrew to a soccer game (do you see a common theme of soccer playing throughout our lives?) in VT then a try-out (of sorts) in Ny and then we will meet them on the Vineyard. If all goes well at court we will get a call from Jessica as we are leaving the Vineyard with good news.

Court Date (take #2)

2009-07-22T10:58:00.004-04:00

August 14th. Sweet Jessica called today. After months of hand holding she had good news for us. We have another court date. We never made it to court the first go around. We are one step closer to bringing sweet little B home.

More good new abound..... could I possibly be traveling with my friend????? I will not be a spoiler but I suggest some sleuthing. She has not posted the news yet.

Quiet

2009-07-09T17:33:00.005-04:00

I truly believe our children teach us. Little B is already teaching me something Zach already knows. Be quiet.

Today was a breaking point for me. Probably have a couple more in me but not many. I have felt such a range of emotions in our adopting of Little B.

Before the referral...impatience and excitement reigned.

After "meeting" our little girl....humbled (that we would be chosen or matched as her parents) was added to the list of emotions, sadness because I am a parent to three children already and I could only imagine what they would experience had their story mirrored hers, and impatience and excitement, still.

After our detour (May 21)... fear that she might not be coming home with us, concern for a sweet and very shy 2 year old's transition, sadness for time we are missing out on each other, hopeful that her paperwork issues are resolved and of course impatience and excitement. There would be mixed in frustration and, even, anger at delays that made no sense.

July 9...as of yesterday MOWA is closed for training...still no court date for us. Stillness. There is nothing I can do. Nothing Jason can do. A migraine and so many thoughts later.... an email from a sweet friend. (I don't think she will mind my sharing it because I know that I am not the only one inundated with so many emotions and thoughts). This is what she wrote me:

My Jesus Calling devo today. Honest.

Stop worrying long enough to hear my voice. I speak softly to you, in the depths of your being. Your mind shuttles back and forth, hither and yon, weaving webs of anxious confusion. As My thought rise up within you, they become entangled in those sticky webs of worry. Thus, My voice is muffled, and all you hear is white noise.

Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts. This ability is an awesome benefit of being My child, patterned after My own image. Do not be deafened by the noise of the world or that of your own thinking. Instead, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Sit quietly in My presence, letting My thoughts reprogram your thinking.

Deuteronomy 30:20

Genesis 1:27

Romans 12:2

So I curled up on my bed and waited for my head to stop hurting, the white noise to stop, and to be able to read again. I can choose to surrender to His will or I can fight it and this process. I choose to surrender and instead to thank Him for giving me an amazingly even keel husband, this sweet friend, as well as this one, to walk with on this path. I just may need a reminder now and again.

So for now, I feel quiet.

June Books

2009-07-05T08:49:00.006-04:00

Three books that I read in June, are on my list of favorites.

Monique and the Mango Rains is written by a peace corp volunteer who shadowed a midwife in Mali. Monique, the midwife, is 24, uneducated in the traditional sense, has no electricity or running water. This book was assigned reading to one of my old babysitters in college. She called me and said...I am reading a book you would love. I read it in a day. Eliza has now finished it as well as another girl at her horseback riding camp.

Year of Wonders, I read for one of my book groups. A historical fiction about the plague.

Scared may be an all time favorite. It is fiction but based on true stories. It takes place in Africa. It is haunting and riveting. I had to put it down so many times just to process the story of this little girl.

Any suggestions for July? Any good beach reads? While the list above is on the more serious side, I did not mention the 7 other books that were fun to read but not notable. (i.e Shopaholic.)

Building an Ark

2009-07-02T17:49:00.001-04:00

No, seriously, we are. This ran in the Globe today. We need sun. July holds so much promise. for sun and more.

We are waiting for a court date. That means all the paperwork is sorted out. I will post more on this one day, just not yet. Quiet comfort knowing that we may be able to hold our little one soon. Praying that the court date is not elusive and that it is successful.

Andrew's team won at the USA Nationals Club Tournament and is going to Finals in Virginia at the end of the month. So much soccer.

Zach's team competes next weekend. If they win their national finals is in Florida same weekend. Sorry boys, I hope to be out of the country with your dad: )

I had the nicest albeit rainy day..... I got to play with these beautiful twins. Can't wait to add a playmate to the mix...

News!

2009-06-24T09:43:00.002-04:00

We received news yesterday. All confusion cleared up. Now we move towards obtaining a court date and bringing little B home. As frustrating as the "weight of the wait" is, there are blessings that come from it. I truly believe that. I just want to get this beautiful child home. She is being loved and so well cared for. I do know that. She has an upper respiratory and ear infections and I think she needs to snuggle in bed, reading books, eating home-made chicken soup with her very own mommy.

Waiting for documents to be resubmitted for a court date :)

Summer Happenings, Father's Day, and Waiting

2009-06-22T08:52:00.005-04:00

Summer starts with a sort of whip-lash in the Morgan household. Like the roller coaster rides at Disney, we are fooled into thinking that we are coming to a stop when all of a sudden we are racing 60 miles per hour/ 90 degrees downward, stomach bracing, mind whirling, laughing and screaming.

Andrew started work this past week at a golf course. Starts at 5 in the morning. First day he shows up to police cars. A 21y old young man who just returned from Iraq went swimming on the golf course with friends at 2am and drowned. Ugh. A new way to worry about a teenager. He had a college id camp this past weekend. When I applied to college it was so much easier, I was not an athlete.

Eliza is off at horse back riding camp. First time she has been away at sleep-away camp. She went with her best-friend-might-as -well-be-her-sister. The house is quiet without her.

Zach had several end of school parties and starts basketball camp today.

Jason, I have decided is the honorary member to the children category. He and his friends did a man-vacation. They went to New Hampshire for a few days. They mountain biked on Thursday, and hiked the Presidential Traverse on Friday. What takes most normal motivated people 2 grueling days of upward and downward climbing they did in one day. Think waking up at 4am, StairMaster, level 15, 16 hours. Did I miss something? Why would you want to do that? Oh, and I forgot to mention, it was cold and rainy the entire time. Again, why? They had fun being able to say they conquered it. He is still walking funny.

Father's Day. We only had Zach with us. We went out to breakfast, church, lunch at our neighbors, MLS soccer game. I love the father to my children, even the one that is a world away. He is a gentle, loving man. He is the most level, calm, kind man, I know.

Adoption update. There is none. When you struggle with infertility, time becomes two week intervals (two weeks to try-two weeks to see). I am finding that life has become about the day of the week and the time of the day (Monday starts hopeful, Tuesday is the barometer for week, Wednesday and Thursday are the worst because I have figured out that I won't hear, Friday is the climb upwards again for the hope of a new week and maybe answers and movement.) Thank God for Moody because he helped me keep some of my sanity. He captured little B in video and pics. He tried so hard to get her to smile. One started to crack the surface but little B is sure head strong. I sent an email to Jessica on Thursday...it has been 4 weeks since our process took an alternate path. (I do think that God's hand is in it, but don't want to blog about it yet.) We know nothing more than that day-and that day we found out very little. A true lesson in trust and patience. Jason and I are amazed how Jessica's responses are always so sweet and understanding even when she has nothing more to tell us. Please, please, please, information and movement this week. Please, please, good news for this family.

The Weight of the Wait

2009-06-12T16:30:00.004-04:00

So, we find ourselves waiting again. We wait for information. We wait for a new court date. We wait to travel. It has been 3+ weeks since our file was pulled/closed. We did get some information on Wednesday. Something that I can wrap my mind around.

Will I ever get good at waiting? I am improving. I no longer sit by the phone waiting for it to ring. I am not obsessing about charging my cell phone. I don't check my emails constantly. I am sure that once little one is home...I will forget the weight of the wait.

Meanwhile, I am working on a scrapbook for little B. One that has pictures from traveling parents and updates. I can't get enough of her. Like every parent, I think she is beyond precious. I know, I know, obnoxious. I carry her picture with me and pull it out at every opportunity. I have bought books that I want to read with her. I bought her a baby doll that I want to play with her. I want to hold her little face in my hands. I want to kiss the boo-boos better. I want to play with the soft curls on her head. Most of all, I want to see her smile. I want to hear her giggle. I want to see her amazement at the ocean. Dreams stumbling over dreams for her. (And could someone capture one of the smiles on film???)

In all, the weight of the wait is being shared with a friend who is amazing and also waiting. But, I really want to go on a diet (read...I want the weight of the wait lifted).

Hair today, Gone tomorrow

2009-06-04T21:58:00.004-04:00

Jason coaches a club soccer team. He and the other coach and manager made a deal with the boys. If they went undefeated the whole year they would shave their hair off. Tonight they had to pay up. Pizza and clippers at our house for a 10-0 season. Great job boys.

Derek getting his locks shaved off.

Jason getting his new look.

This was the threesome before.

The boys got new shirts to commemorate their season.

A New Day

2009-06-03T08:14:00.004-04:00

I think yesterday may have been my lowest point in the adoption process. Jason talked to Jessica. It has been two weeks since we heard that they were closing our file and figuring out some things (sorry for being vague). We have not learned anything new from that day. We knew a social worker went to B's village and had returned. That is all. Yesterday, we found out they were sending another social worker back down.

When-we don't know?

Why-we don't know?

What will our process look like-we don't know?

Will she be coming home to us-they are confident that she will. (How confident-we don't know?)

Before talking to Jessica, everyone seemed confident that we would be through in a month. Now, Jason and I are less and less confident that we will make it through before the rainy season. Yesterday, I was so:

sad-for us and for her (We miss her terribly, but we know she is being loved and cared for well.)

angry-at no one in particular

frustrated-by how long it is taking and the lack of information (I'm type A, researcher, crave information, planner)

spinning my wheels-cleared my schedule, taking no classes (I need a project)

Today, is a new day. I woke up and kind-of kicked myself in the rear end. Wrote in my journal. Prayed. Read some scripture. It is amazing to me how strong my faith is when things are going my way but once things veer off the path (that I made) - wow, that faith falters. (Need to work and pray on that). I remembered reading something on my friend Em's page. I went back to find it. Reread it. Do we let the circumstances of our lives determine the quality of our lives?

I do.

I let it determine my mood, too. I let myself become preoccupied with the process and neglect the beautiful beings under my roof right now. The one's that I can have an impact on today. Also, my husband is better than I deserve. He took me out last night to get my mind off the new news that there is no news and no promise of news to come this week or maybe next week. Trust me I have not been the easiest person to live with, as of late. Not that I am terrible. Just not so much fun, kind of glum. Today, is a new day. I am not bringing my cell phone with me every where. I am not checking emails, ad naseum.

I am going to run the errands of a busy household. I am going to the library to fill my mind with something other than the process of adoption. I am going to stop feeling sorry for me, us, and for her. I am going to continue to rejoice in the successes that the adoption community experiences (referrals, court date assignments, and court day passing). I am going to continue praying for this beautiful girl who passed court and is still not home, and the families who have endured more than I have without whining who sit at the top of the infamous FBI list for referred families. I am going to enjoy the snipits of information about our little girl that traveling families or a certain sweet orthodontist bring back. I am going to enjoy her from afar. I am going to thank God for having new friends in my life who understand and are so supportive. I am going to trust that the plan He has for us is better than any that I could devise.

A new day.

Staying Busy

2009-05-30T07:01:00.002-04:00

We are so excited about all the families who passed court and are traveling to bring home their little ones.

We have been staying busy. We have gotten no news, yet. Jessica, our case worker, is and therefore, we are, hopeful. We should learn more next week. Probably Tuesday. One of the hardest things for me is the time factor. It will take close to two weeks to learn anything from the day we learned that we were not going to go to court. This for someone who has check lists and likes to check things off the list!

I am going to get involved in the Andrew's high school in their Global Education Initiative. His school has very large community service requirements and they would like a component of it to be globally focused. The same day I had a meeting at his school, I received a certified letter saying that he was failing his community service requirement. I almost got in an accident reading it in the car. Luckily, I took a few hours to call Jason who then called the director back. She was unaware of his trip to DR doing a medical mission. Okay...all is well that ends well.

Meanwhile, Eliza found this cute retelling of Princess and the Pea to add to our bookshelves. The artwork is great.

I found this book to add to our shelves:

Again, I love the illustrations. It also give a great explanations as to how the electoral college works for younger kids.

I also listened to a few of Dr. Purvis's videos. She looks and acts so much like my mother that I have always enjoyed watching her. I also love the way she explains attachment, discipline techniques, and so much more.

No Go on Monday for Us

2009-05-21T16:54:00.002-04:00

Not much more to say at this point. I'll post when we have a new court date. Sad, but hopeful.

Family Fun

2009-05-21T13:39:00.003-04:00

We went to the game last night. It was a beautiful warm night. Hot Dogs, Soda, Cracker Jacks, Frozen Lemonades, and a round of Sweet Caroline. The Red Sox won and Andrew was recognized for some of his community service. What a nice way to keep our mind off of the court date...4 days away, or is it 3 days, 20 hours, 4 minutes, 17 secs...not that anyone is counting.

One Week for Court Date

2009-05-18T10:17:00.004-04:00

*just regular craziness. Willow is too good of a sport.

I can't believe we are one week away. Time has taken on a surreal quality. There are two parallel worlds. One world is moving at warp speed, and one that seems to be moving as slow as molasses in January.

*Jury duty on Tuesday for me

*Andrew is being recognized on Wednesday by the Red Sox (at the game-kind of cool for Dad because he loves the Red Sox),

*Thursday is first play date of the Junior UN (some very nice mom's who have adopted internationally) without our African delegate (little B)- all tongue in cheek

*Friday Andrew leaves for Maryland for College Showcase Tournament and Zach leaves for Albany for his tournament. I am staying home with Eliza because I am not taking any chances with cell phone service.

So here's the big question...which I emailed to Jessica...with a court date on Memorial Day where no one is in the office, do we have to wait until Tuesday to find out if it was successful? I might just leave the calm, cool, and collected demeanor for nutty, crazy, mother. Actually, we are surprisingly calm.

I have had dreams about B almost every night. Some are funny, some not so. In one it was about how I bought and brought all the wrong sizes. I bought all newborn sizes for an almost 3 year old. Another, was about how scared and sad she was when she met us. I had a mirage of dreams when I was pregnant with Andrew, Eliza, and Zach. I believe, it is my way of processing and coming up with strategies to help them coming home (newborn or almost 3). B is getting her own set of dreams.

We got to write her a letter, again. What a privilege these letters are. We are able to send her a photo, also. Writing the letter is try, though. What do you write a 2 year old? We have so much to tell her. We have kept it simple, though. Just letting her know that she has a family out there that love her and can't wait for her to come home. This letter was about her bedroom and the big comfy chair in it that rocks and glides. How excited we are to read books and sing lullabies to her in her big comfy chair. We are praying that we will be able to tell her in person, by the next deadline.

**Almost forgot about the trip to the ER this weekend. Cleaning out the attic (nesting, much), I knocked a piece of a "jumpy seat" down on Jason. Right onto the bridge of his nose. He needed 4 stitches. He is an amazing man, though. Had the roles been reversed, I would not have been so forgiving and kind to him. He did not once curse, blame me, show any frustration at me, or be anything but calm and understanding. Think I could learn a thing or two from him??? So the next time Jasper (100 lb Bernese mountain dog) steps on my foot, or the kids kick a soccer ball at me by accident, or I stub my own toe...I am going to try and remember how Jason responded : )

Two weeks until court, Mother's Day, Andrew returns

2009-05-11T17:30:00.005-04:00

My Mother's day gift... the high chair. I love it. B will be able to sit up at the table with us.

B and Eliza's room.

Saturday at my sister's house. The cousins had so much fun together.

**Two weeks until our court date. I am trying to remain calm and prayerful. Two weeks until we either go on a paper chase in Ethiopia for a missing document, or until we can officially claim B as ours. We have finished her room. We are packing her suitcase. I am trying to stay calm and prayerful. There are so many families that this court date has not been an easy hurdle. As we are coming close to the date, I feel even more for them and wonder what court will mean to us. One friend in particular passed court but has not been able to go get her daughter.. She writes so eloquently about it. It is beyond painful. Please offer her words of comfort, pass it on to Michele Obama if you are close to her, or better yet...if you are the head of the CDC... please reconsider.

Andrew has returned from the Dominican. He was in charge of administering an eye exam, and finding glasses that suited the person. He gave out over 200 pair of glasses. He was amazed at how it feels to minister to others. The day he returned, he said....I am going back next year and I am joining Peace Corp after college. He had an amazing time. One night when all the other people in his group retired... he went off complex and played baseball and soccer with the drivers. They taught him one of their dances and he simply hung out with them. They, as a group, saw approximately 1000 patients. It does feel good to have him home safe and sound.

New and Old Friends, Update on B

2009-05-03T09:42:00.002-04:00

What a lovely weekend we have had. We met new friends in the Boston. I pulled my younger kids out of school to meet these families that they have known from afar. I love both of these families. They are great examples of love, grace, and passion for my kids and me. I only wish that we lived closer. Last night some old friends took Jason and I out to dinner because they wanted to celebrate B. They have three beautiful children, two adopted from Korea and one biological. They have been so supportive of us from the start (something not to be taken for granted.) They are as excited to get the new pictures or updates as we are. This afternoon, we are getting together with several families who have or are adopting from Ethiopia.

Andrew left for the Dominican Republic yesterday. He had quite a week getting ready, finishing school work, collecting baseball equipment, packing, etc. He got such an amazing response from the area towns, colleges, and individuals. All of these men and women are amazing people who go down and treat and train the people in some of the poorest areas. The touching part is that one of the men in particular has made such an effort to keep me aware of where and what they are doing so I won't worry about Andrew.

We received an update on B. We have also received pictures and even videos of her. They are bittersweet. We love them but are so ready for the real thing. We want to hold her, comfort her, teach her, and love her.

“She is a great sleeper. She can sleep through all the other kids crying and playing during the afternoon. When she woke, I reached out for her and she did not cry, but she looked to her caregiver to see if I was acceptable. She walked over towards her caregiver constantly looking at me. She is eating well, too. Her oversized belly proves it. Today, her pant button popped open from the strain. J She looked down to see what had happened and then continued playing. What a cutie. She is healthy and doing well. She is a good sharer – her toys are never hers alone. She is always willing to give to her friends. She walked around the room with two toy rings on her wrist, really promoting her dainty girly side!” --J

Weight: 12. 6 Kg

Quiet preparation, friends

2009-04-24T08:40:00.006-04:00

School vacation week. We did not go away. Andrew had a college recruitment camp and a college visit to Fordham. Eliza participated in Tom's Awareness Day- April 16. (I am sure she turned a few heads and a few calls went into DSS about a 14y walking barefoot. We spent time at the Red Sox, science museum, and the movies. I have been battling a head cold or allergies. Anatomy and Physiology class ends in 2 weeks. I have been preparing for the finals.

Frenzy has died down. Peace has been restored :) Room is painted (thanks again, Aldous), dresser and rocker bought, some clothes bought, car seat bought (still in box).... We are concentrating on the humanitarian aid, now.

We can't wait to have this little cherub home and within our arms. Because we are not yet in the thick of it, (It being... changing diapers, feeding, napping, playing with B) we have time to reflect on the process of adopting. The most unexpected fringe benefit from adopting has been the friends that I have made. People who have gone out of heir way to drop off a care package for B, or to get a photo of her to hold us over until we get to hold the real deal:) These friends have become part of our family dinner conversation and prayer as they travel to pick up their child, as they wait to see if they will be traveling, as they wait for court date, as they build wells, as they build muscles, or celebrate first birthdays. The texture and landscape of our friendships has become richer and even more amazing than it was. Thank you.

Frenzy

2009-04-10T07:09:00.004-04:00

We have been in a frenzy. For a good week after we got our court date. I did nothing but bask in the excitement. Then it hit me... being patient does not mean do nothing. So we here is what we have been doing in no particular order :

1. Celebrating with friends. I have met some of the nicest, coolest, most interesting people through this process. They are all so different from each other and yet are amazing. I hope to be friends with theses people for a good long time.

2. Watching and learning about how to care for B's hair.

3. Packing up Eliza's bedroom. Eliza really wants to share with B. We are going to try it out. She is 14 and a pack rat, so there is much baby proofing to do. She is boxing up everything that would take away from the quiet serenity of a "baby's room." Have I said recently, that I love this kid. I kept trying to talk her out of it. She would have nothing to do with it. I still am preparing for a room change after B gets home for a whole host of reasons. (Jason ad I have a feeling that we will be sharing our room with her, anyways:)

4. Painting Eliza's room. We are having Eliza's room painted a more quiet color (that could work for a boy if we need to make a room change.) I think I drive Jason crazy when I paint. I am so impatient and put very little into prep work. So we are hiring one of my (and my kids') favorite people. When it is done...we will post before and after pictures.

5. Picking up the crib from Jason's sister. Trip to Connecticut... tomorrow.

6. Find a dresser and bookshelves for B.

7. Shopping for clothes, diapers, other necessities.

8. Learning Amharic. I have hit a plateau. I learned a few quickly and then it got harder and harder to add words to our repertoire. Eliza is leading the pack in learning words.

9. Thinking and praying over B. She has been captured in very few or no pictures (from other adopting parents) and we have had no updates. We have found out from someone who was going to take pics of her...that they asked her not to too close to B because she is so wary of the experience. We have heard she is extremely shy. Eliza was very shy when she was little-hard to believe now- so we do have a little experience with it, but not when we will be her "stranger." I have been thinking/praying on it... I will have to think on my feet, preparing for several different scenarios. Any thoughts?

10. Sending out care packages for her with traveling parents:)

11. Taking pictures. Each time we send a package or letter we include a new picture. I can't think of any other event in my life that I have been in so many pictures.

Some other things that we are doing:

12. Sports have kicked into high gear. Last weekend we had 3 soccer games, 5 lacrosse games, and riding. I only have 3 kids right now!

13. Studying for a&P2. Got my first B on a quiz yesterday. Obviously, I am distracted.

14. Getting Andrew ready for his trip to the Dominican Republic with the doctors, Peace Corp, and Engineers without Borders. As the trip draws closer, I am getting a little nervous. He is only, 17. The next youngest person, is 35. Will he remember to not open his mouth in the shower? Will he take his malaria pill? and the list goes on....

15. Working out. I am still determined to get stronger. It has been a long time since I have carried 20lb around all the time and I am older:)

16. Enjoying the newness of Spring!

Blessing and Court

2009-03-31T12:43:00.006-04:00

We had a weekend filled with events which helped keep my mind off of timelines. We had a fund raiser on Friday and Sunday. We also took more pics to send to B.

Today would have been my mom's birthday. I have written before about her. There are a handful of days that have not gotten easier - this being one. It just got brighter, though. I have been thinking a lot about her. She would have loved getting to know B. She would have been so very excited. It seems so right that we would have gotten our court date on her birthday. She would have wanted to be involved.

COURT DATE: May 25.

New purpose!

2009-03-22T15:32:00.003-04:00

Last week was hard, waiting. I told you I am not good at waiting. More than anything I felt like my wheels were spinning. Then we figured out one of the many things we need to be doing. We are on a mission. We are learning Amharic words and phrases. Even though we think that B may have spoken a different language or dialect, we know that she is being exposed to Amharic now. Our goals is to learn as much as we can before we travel. Yesterday, we have learned I love you, yes, no, hello, and goodbye. We are taping them up around the house. My house really will look like a large bulletin board by the time baby girl gets home (:

Week 1 PR (post referral)

2009-03-18T19:22:00.002-04:00

I really want to keep this as a journal for B. I want her to know how much she meant to us before she came home. So the counting continues. We are one week post referral, waiting for a court date. What have we been doing:

-studying her picture, imagining her little body adding a different energy to the house.

-preparing a little care package for her-photo album, love, cardigan, and a small toy

- because she is considered an older child (2+) we were able to write her a letter that Gladney will translate and read to her. Wow! What a gift to us, but more difficult than I thought it would be! What do you write to a toddler who has never met you? We went the "we love you and are getting ready for you" route. We also were able to include a photo. (See above.) We had to wait until 8:30 before everyone was home at the same time. We made a poster (cropped because it has her name on it) and then took the picture with the timer mechanism. Yeah! It turned out, with a couple funny out takes where we were trying to figure out how to work the camera:)

-stalking those returning from Ethiopia to see if they may have caught a glimpse of our little girl or captured her in a photo

-serious nesting. See post below on patience. Wow, did I fail yesterday to show patience. I was a bear to any and all that made a mess. My kids do something that I refer to as a "Frosty" as in the snowman. They come into the house and disrobe as if they had melted and left their clothes in a puddle. I usually have a sense of humor about it, not these days. I went back and read my post....today I was better. I hope to be even better tomorrow. I have time (unfortunately). I do not have to get everything organized and set for B this week.

-even more motivation to workout. I want to carry her around...I need more upper body strength. by product of working out-more energy and I feel strong and healthy.

-lots of praying-to keep her healthy, to prepare her little heart for a change, to prepare us to meet all of her needs (emotional and physical), speedy and successful court date

-talking and emailing friends. I have made some amazing new friends in the past year.

What I did not know about Love

2009-03-16T07:12:00.002-04:00

I full expected to love B, just not so soon. I was going to "pace" myself. What a joke! I know that sometimes in "international adoption" things don't work out like you expect. I have had friends get and then lose a referral. I now understand what they went/ are going through. She is so fully in our hearts. I saw a picture of B sent to me by another adopting parent that had her nanny in it. The nanny had her hand on B's head in the most nurturing and loving way. I feel so indebted to the nanny and Gladney. I am so thankful that B is being so well loved.

The day after our referral, I read this piece on patience. I am including it in our blog so I can always find it when I need it. It is written by Barbara Bush. It spoke to me on so many levels.

Contented Heart, Patient Heart

It is common to hear women bemoaning their lack of patience as if it were the most difficult gift to pry from God's hand. in fact impatience stems almost solely from our exaggerated notions of what is due us. If we could lower our estimation of the importance of our time, our plans and our feelings, we could find ourselves almost automatically more patient.

If we are impatient about things that anger God-repeated sin, inattention to His word, social injustice- we cannot really be called impatient (as long as our opinions are expressed in love.) Neither can we expect a woman to remain totally unperturbed if someone smashes into her new car. Certainly "learning patience" is not an acceptable reason for failure to discipline a rebellious child. Patience is not he same thing as resignation or the cynical attitude that always expects the worst possible outcome.

Patience is a more positive trait. it is the ability to bear affliction, delay and interruption with calmness, perseverance and confidence in the goodness of God (Colossians 1:11-12). It is inward peace as well as outward control. It is the submission of our schedules, our viewpoints, our dreams, to the greater plan of God, with he conviction that he has a good reason for every delay he allows to come our way.

I am looking forward to a quiet week. I am looking forward to cleaning closets, organizing, and watching a few movies. My A&P class has the week off. The fundraiser that I was helping with was last Saturday earned over $300,000. My schedule just lightened up!

*** B has been in a crib. Should we keep her in a crib?

Referral!!!

2009-03-12T14:38:00.005-04:00

You, O' Lord are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:13

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you really want to capture in words the bigness of the moment and then the words are washed away? How do you fall in love so completely and so quickly? All I could think about was this scripture. Wow. We got our referral last night. She is perfect. She is almost 2 1/2y. She is a little peanut. Quiet and shy. We don't need to call her Little M anymore for Little Morgan. She has a name. A beautiful name. So until we are allowed to call her by her name... she is B. Do you mind adding us to your prayers? We would like to get her home and snuggled within her new family.

For some lightness...our referral story. I have been attached to my cell phone. In class, I keep it on vibrate. In meetings, it is on my desk (so rude, but oh well). It is on me at all moments because I was not going to miss that call. Yesterday, bible study to working out with a trainer (I heard that we need endurance) to orthodontist appt for Eliza. I got home and was making a nice dinner for the kids and me because Jason was having a quick dinner with his two good friends. Jason calls and says, "I just had an interesting conversation...." My mind begins to race...."did my husband have an argument with someone?" He continues, "with Jessica." So, he takes his friend's car and is home to get the call and the email. Yes, my phone was out of battery and I did not get the call. He was so good and would not let Jessica tell him anything (not that she would have.) So that nice dinner... never got eaten. Actually, I have not slept or eaten much since that amazing call. I loved my OB's when I was pregnant and now I love Jessica.

I know none of this probably makes any sense. Thank God that I don't need to take an A&P test because that A would nose dive in a day. We are just beyond excited.

Amazing Grace

2009-03-07T12:14:00.005-05:00

Click on this link to hear some thing amazing! (turn off the music to the left and then turn up your volume... you will not be disappointed) This song was written by a reformed slave runner. He wrote this song when he understood all that he did. The story behind the song is what I call a "techno-color moment." It is the moment the Wizard of Oz is in color and you can 't go back to black and white. We all have those moments in our lives that we have learned/seen/experienced something so amazing/heartbreaking/awe-inspiring that we can not go back to life as we knew it. Becoming a parent for the first time was just one of those moments, for me. I continue to hear things from people who have gone to Ethiopia that they come back "changed." I imagine that they have experienced one of those "techno-color moments." I imagine, that I, too will see my life pre-Ethiopia and post-Ethiopia. One of my friends is doing something about it. Check it out.

Seventeen

2009-03-06T14:17:00.003-05:00

Week Seventeen done! For some reason this was a hard week for me. I felt like my wheels were spinning. I want to start planning and preparing for Little M. Then I am reminded, "Man plans and God laughs". I think the most difficult part of the waiting is not seeing anyone on the FBI move. Then Friday morning and there is movement. One family through court, and three families hit the referral list. Yeah! It is amazing how much better I feel. Meanwhile, I stalk the FBI list. You would think that an exam in Anatomy and Physiology and committee work would keep me busy!

Week Sixteen, Belated Bday post, Am I like Jonah?

2009-02-27T07:48:00.002-05:00

I will apologize up front... sorry for the long post. Week sixteen draws to an end. Andrew celebrated his 17th birthday while we were on our college tour so I am sitting down and celebrating him.

Happy Birthday Rew!

Seventeen things I love about you.

1. Your one dimple.

2. Your love of sports.

3. Your knack for getting along with everyone.

4. Your love of music.

5. Your young soul.

6. Your ability to bring together a community to support your effort to help the kids in the Dominican Republic.

7. Your math mind.

8. You were the easiest baby (thank you, God, because I was so young.)

9. Your boyish sense of humor that makes me smile.

10. Your confidence.

11. Your intensity when you are interested.

12. Your ability to wear old-school shorts to a soccer game, pink pants, or what not to get a laugh out of your friends.

13. Your loyalty.

14. Your love of movies.

15. Your desire to travel. (You are the easiest kid to travel with :)

16. Your love of food even when it is different (Indian, Ethiopian, sushi)

17. Your gentle spirit that makes me look like a good mother when it is just you - a wonderful creation of God's that I can take little credit for. (Thank you for keeping those little scriptures that I hand you in your wallet. I love you.)

** So, this part of the post is more difficult for me. I am new to talking about my relationship with God. When we first started the adoption, I was asked by another adoptive mom, "are you a woman of faith?" My response was immediate. "Yes." I have always believed in God, gone to church, and prayed. I had even opened the bible occasionally, gotten as far as completing the book of Genesis. I knew nothing about being a woman of faith. Adopting has been amazing in so many ways. One of the changes it has brought about has been in my relationship with God.

I signed up to study the bible. It has been amazing. There have been too many times that something we were studying directly spoke to what was happening within the confines of our home. In CBS two weeks ago we studied the book of Jonah. Wow, I always knew Jonah was swallowed by a whale. That was the story, right? Wrong. So much more. One part of the story (because there are so many to learn). Jonah ran from what the Lord told him to do. Ran in the direct opposite direction. We were challenged to think about what was our Nineveh? God has an amazing plan for us, too. Yet, what do we run from. That was an easy one for me. For years we took in newborns. Even when I felt nudged toward adopting, knowing how crazy it sounded. Life was neat, not complex, balanced. Everyone was doing well. One soon off to college. Why would I want to disrupt the order. After a serious conversation with God, we actually started the paperwork process. Long story short. We are waiting for our Little M. I think about her before I fall asleep. I pray that she is falling asleep with a warm blanket nestled around her little body. I imagine my hand on her head. I ask for God to wrap her little soul in love. Most amazing is I have read a good deal of the bible. I rely upon my quiet time with the Lord, to give me direction in the day. I know that it may be hard after Little M gets home, but I have faith that God will provide the strength and the wisdom to help her. I can say now, that I am woman of faith. I did not know what it meant before. I answered much to quickly, then. I have faith, now.

Spring Sprite

2009-02-25T08:10:00.003-05:00

My first purchase for Little M. I have not allowed myself to buy anything or Little M. I found this Spring Sprite (fairy) lst week and I could not resist. When I was little, I loved fairies. I imagined a whole world of little people that lived a parallel life to me. In Eliza's first bedroom, I painted a dogwood tree filled with butterflies, dragon flies, ants and bumblebees. (I love dragon flies and butterflies.) As she got older, she would not let me pint over her mural. The people who bought our old house, put their daughter in that room and kept it, also. Recently Eliza asked if I would paint it again for her and Little M. When I saw this fairy holding a dragon fly, I had to have him for Little M. I want to hang it by a window, to capture the light. I wonder if little M will enjoy imagining and reading or will she be more clinical, or both? One of the joys of parenting... unwrapping the gifts in each child.

**I am so excited because I found out that the artist does fairies that are African, too. I will just have to do a little leg work to find them.

Mission Statement, College tour, Update

2009-02-19T16:05:00.005-05:00

We are back from our college tour. We saw Connecticut College, University of Richmond, Catholic University, American University, Loyola of Maryland, Muhlenberg, University of Delaware. We will fit Holy Cross in tomorrow. The process is exhausting and exciting. The wonderful thing is Andrew really has a preference. He loved Catholic and Loyola. The coaches were so generous with their time, the student body was kind, and the campuses were beautiful. We enjoyed the time together as a family. We actually used the time in the car (there was a lot of it) to make our family mission statement. Initially the kids were annoyed that they could not listen to their ipods or read their books, but eventually they engaged and enjoyed the process.

We received our confirmation that CIS has amended our approval to be a broader range in age. Jessica called, also, saying that she received our new signed service agreement. What this means...is we are on the wait list (continuation) but for a child/ren 0-4. So going into our 16th week, we are so excited about all the possibilities. The other great news is that there are so many Gladney families that have passed court and are now preparing to travel. Life is good. We are getting closer holding our Little M.

Fourteen

2009-02-13T14:20:00.003-05:00

Yeah! Gladney got our addendum. We are filling out our new service plan. I think that we may be the only people waiting for a child over 18m. Unofficially, of course. So what does that mean? I don't know and have stopped trying to figure it out. No wait, I do know what it means. It means that it could happen any day...really any day, or in four months. It means that we have no idea how old of a child Little M is. She could be an infant or 48m. It means Little M could actually be an M&M. It means we surrender to God's plan and His timing.

Off to visit colleges this next week. Catholic University, Georgetown, Loyola of Maryland (Jesuit colleges - For the greater Glory of God... you have to love the mission), American University, Trinity, and Muhlenberg) are on the agenda. I will try and sneak away to show Eliza John Hopkins (where she wants to go).

Have a Wonderful Valentines Day!

Lucky 13

2009-02-06T14:26:00.004-05:00

I am so frustrated and trying hard not to be. I feel like the referrals are going out so slow, the average wait is getting longer, and the paperwork that came (the addendum) had an error on it so will have to be sent out next week corrected. I have found the perfect cure for impatience, disappointment, and frustration. A large dose of Proverbs 3:5-6 and a small dose of Facebook.

Facebook. I really don't have the time to spend a ton of time on it between A&P2, bible study, our Chinese exchange student, 3 busy kids, a not so demanding husband, a very part-time job, steering committee for a Andrew's high school, and keeping the house clean and picked up (you get the picture). I do love it, though. See the picture above (okay-skip over the applique skirt and bed head on both of us). Since I grew up moving every year to every 4 years, I do not have many/any friends from elementary school. Katie was my best friend in Athens and Beirut but we lost touch in high school. She "found" me within 3 days of being on FB. She even posted a picture of us when we were 7. I have no pictures of myself at that age until now. My kids were even more excited than I was.