When God's Plan is Different than Your Own

We received an RFE.  Request for more evidence.  Yesterday after seeing other people clear in a day from Nairobi, I was in tears.  Really unusual for me.  Jason never sees me in tears.  But I was fatigued by the obstacles and the fighting to bring this beautiful boy home.  I think I have said this countless times...I am an experienced adoptive parent.  Yeah right!  So he went to work, and talked to the attorney who had just found out that we would be receiving an RFE.  His first response apparently..."How am I going to tell Jen, she is already in tears."  Truly it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt like I was a 6 year old child, sobbing every moment I was alone.  I just could not see out of this hole...what other evidence could we present?  We had already presented supplementary evidence.  The grief was/is at times physical.  My heart hurt.  I could not get a coherent thought together and could not pray anything other than, "Help me."  Wow, writing this even sounds overly dramatic.  See, that calendar math is devastating and I am convinced, a trap.  Efa's birthday is next week.  Why has that become such an important deadline to me?  It is clear that my plan and God's plan are a little different.  Month's ago in my bible study, there was something that hit me hard.  Are we proclaiming to be Christian but living as atheists, not trusting in God's plan for our life.  It made such an impact I quoted it at a very safe time.  I said, "when things don't go the way you want them to is where the rubber meets the road in faith."  Jenn and Tom, you may remember me even saying it.  Ohh, am I regretting saying that?   

I don't know what this week will hold.  I imagine I will have some more hard sad moments.  My heart is not hurting as much, though.  I have hope.  He has met me where I am, angry, hurt, sad, and heartbroken.  Ironic that in bible study the kids are learning about the days before Easter.  The ugliness, pain, and sadness.  But the story does not end there.  That is the beauty.  Easter came.  Jesus conquered all of that.  He rose.  So with that same hope, I meet each day.  This story will end with an amazing blessing.  Efa.  A child chosen for us.  How can I be so lucky?  So blessed?  So again, we wait.  I think when I am done, I will have a PhD in patience.