Friday, March 9, 2012

When God's Plan is Different than Your Own



We received an RFE.  Request for more evidence.  Yesterday after seeing other people clear in a day from Nairobi, I was in tears.  Really unusual for me.  Jason never sees me in tears.  But I was fatigued by the obstacles and the fighting to bring this beautiful boy home.  I think I have said this countless times...I am an experienced adoptive parent.  Yeah right!  So he went to work, and talked to the attorney who had just found out that we would be receiving an RFE.  His first response apparently..."How am I going to tell Jen, she is already in tears."  Truly it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt like I was a 6 year old child, sobbing every moment I was alone.  I just could not see out of this hole...what other evidence could we present?  We had already presented supplementary evidence.  The grief was/is at times physical.  My heart hurt.  I could not get a coherent thought together and could not pray anything other than, "Help me."  Wow, writing this even sounds overly dramatic.  See, that calendar math is devastating and I am convinced, a trap.  Efa's birthday is next week.  Why has that become such an important deadline to me?  It is clear that my plan and God's plan are a little different.  Month's ago in my bible study, there was something that hit me hard.  Are we proclaiming to be Christian but living as atheists, not trusting in God's plan for our life.  It made such an impact I quoted it at a very safe time.  I said, "when things don't go the way you want them to is where the rubber meets the road in faith."  Jenn and Tom, you may remember me even saying it.  Ohh, am I regretting saying that?   


I don't know what this week will hold.  I imagine I will have some more hard sad moments.  My heart is not hurting as much, though.  I have hope.  He has met me where I am, angry, hurt, sad, and heartbroken.  Ironic that in bible study the kids are learning about the days before Easter.  The ugliness, pain, and sadness.  But the story does not end there.  That is the beauty.  Easter came.  Jesus conquered all of that.  He rose.  So with that same hope, I meet each day.  This story will end with an amazing blessing.  Efa.  A child chosen for us.  How can I be so lucky?  So blessed?  So again, we wait.  I think when I am done, I will have a PhD in patience.  


9 comments:

Jennifer said...

Can't wait for the beauty that is to come for your family.

Jenn said...

It's not overly dramatic at all. I did all of that when we were sent to Nairobi and we hadn't even received an RFE. Let yourself grieve. This stinks and is not fair and shouldn't be happening.

And yes, I so remember that night. Wow, did we never see this coming. :( Praying for you, dear friend.

scooping it up said...

PhD in patience, from God's university. Sending love and so so sorry.

Bonnie Nieuwstraten said...

Jen, I'm so sorry for yet another setback. There really are no words. Just praying, for patience, for peace, for an increased vision for you of who He is. He has Efa in His hands. May you keep your eyes on Him, the author and perfecter of your faith. My heart is hurting for you.

Annie said...

So sorry. Praying for you all!

Kameron said...

Oh Jen... Praying him home and for your hearts as you wait on the One in control of all of this. He is the god of impossible, miracles, truth and justice. He wants Ifa freed from abandonment and set in a family, your family. He will prevail and there will be victory!

becca said...

hey lady. hang in there. also? you have permission to be mad and pissed off. because all that is happening is not right. not at all. i know he'll come home. but i know this is really hard for you too, and i'm so sorry :(. i wish i could do something to help you. praying and hoping and wishing!!!
xo
becca

Katy said...

Not dramatic at all. You have been and you are a pillar of strength. Your ability to function and faith are awe-inspiring and tears are a normal, healthy reaction to this kind of stress and sadness. RFE - Really Freakin' Excruciating at this point. You're still moving. You're always one day closer. But I doubt that those thoughts are ringing loudly at the moment. I think about you and your whole beautiful family all the time and I'd love to see you.

Rebecca said...

I think about you guys every single day. Hoping and praying for THE news soon.