Quiet

I truly believe our children teach us. Little B is already teaching me something Zach already knows. Be quiet.

Today was a breaking point for me. Probably have a couple more in me but not many. I have felt such a range of emotions in our adopting of Little B.

Before the referral...impatience and excitement reigned.

After "meeting" our little girl....humbled (that we would be chosen or matched as her parents) was added to the list of emotions, sadness because I am a parent to three children already and I could only imagine what they would experience had their story mirrored hers, and impatience and excitement, still.

After our detour (May 21)... fear that she might not be coming home with us, concern for a sweet and very shy 2 year old's transition, sadness for time we are missing out on each other, hopeful that her paperwork issues are resolved and of course impatience and excitement. There would be mixed in frustration and, even, anger at delays that made no sense.

July 9...as of yesterday MOWA is closed for training...still no court date for us. Stillness. There is nothing I can do. Nothing Jason can do. A migraine and so many thoughts later.... an email from a sweet friend. (I don't think she will mind my sharing it because I know that I am not the only one inundated with so many emotions and thoughts). This is what she wrote me:

My Jesus Calling devo today. Honest.

Stop worrying long enough to hear my voice. I speak softly to you, in the depths of your being. Your mind shuttles back and forth, hither and yon, weaving webs of anxious confusion. As My thought rise up within you, they become entangled in those sticky webs of worry. Thus, My voice is muffled, and all you hear is white noise.

Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts. This ability is an awesome benefit of being My child, patterned after My own image. Do not be deafened by the noise of the world or that of your own thinking. Instead, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Sit quietly in My presence, letting My thoughts reprogram your thinking.

Deuteronomy 30:20

Genesis 1:27

Romans 12:2

So I curled up on my bed and waited for my head to stop hurting, the white noise to stop, and to be able to read again. I can choose to surrender to His will or I can fight it and this process. I choose to surrender and instead to thank Him for giving me an amazingly even keel husband, this sweet friend, as well as this one, to walk with on this path. I just may need a reminder now and again.

So for now, I feel quiet.

June Books

Three books that I read in June, are on my list of favorites.

Monique and the Mango Rains is written by a peace corp volunteer who shadowed a midwife in Mali. Monique, the midwife, is 24, uneducated in the traditional sense, has no electricity or running water. This book was assigned reading to one of my old babysitters in college. She called me and said...I am reading a book you would love. I read it in a day. Eliza has now finished it as well as another girl at her horseback riding camp.

Year of Wonders, I read for one of my book groups. A historical fiction about the plague.

Scared may be an all time favorite. It is fiction but based on true stories. It takes place in Africa. It is haunting and riveting. I had to put it down so many times just to process the story of this little girl.

Any suggestions for July? Any good beach reads? While the list above is on the more serious side, I did not mention the 7 other books that were fun to read but not notable. (i.e Shopaholic.)

Building an Ark

No, seriously, we are. This ran in the Globe today. We need sun. July holds so much promise. for sun and more.

We are waiting for a court date. That means all the paperwork is sorted out. I will post more on this one day, just not yet. Quiet comfort knowing that we may be able to hold our little one soon. Praying that the court date is not elusive and that it is successful.

Andrew's team won at the USA Nationals Club Tournament and is going to Finals in Virginia at the end of the month. So much soccer.

Zach's team competes next weekend. If they win their national finals is in Florida same weekend. Sorry boys, I hope to be out of the country with your dad: )

I had the nicest albeit rainy day..... I got to play with these beautiful twins. Can't wait to add a playmate to the mix...

News!

We received news yesterday. All confusion cleared up. Now we move towards obtaining a court date and bringing little B home. As frustrating as the "weight of the wait" is, there are blessings that come from it. I truly believe that. I just want to get this beautiful child home. She is being loved and so well cared for. I do know that. She has an upper respiratory and ear infections and I think she needs to snuggle in bed, reading books, eating home-made chicken soup with her very own mommy.

Waiting for documents to be resubmitted for a court date :)

Summer Happenings, Father's Day, and Waiting

Summer starts with a sort of whip-lash in the Morgan household. Like the roller coaster rides at Disney, we are fooled into thinking that we are coming to a stop when all of a sudden we are racing 60 miles per hour/ 90 degrees downward, stomach bracing, mind whirling, laughing and screaming.

Andrew started work this past week at a golf course. Starts at 5 in the morning. First day he shows up to police cars. A 21y old young man who just returned from Iraq went swimming on the golf course with friends at 2am and drowned. Ugh. A new way to worry about a teenager. He had a college id camp this past weekend. When I applied to college it was so much easier, I was not an athlete.

Eliza is off at horse back riding camp. First time she has been away at sleep-away camp. She went with her best-friend-might-as -well-be-her-sister. The house is quiet without her.

Zach had several end of school parties and starts basketball camp today.

Jason, I have decided is the honorary member to the children category. He and his friends did a man-vacation. They went to New Hampshire for a few days. They mountain biked on Thursday, and hiked the Presidential Traverse on Friday. What takes most normal motivated people 2 grueling days of upward and downward climbing they did in one day. Think waking up at 4am, StairMaster, level 15, 16 hours. Did I miss something? Why would you want to do that? Oh, and I forgot to mention, it was cold and rainy the entire time. Again, why? They had fun being able to say they conquered it. He is still walking funny.

Father's Day. We only had Zach with us. We went out to breakfast, church, lunch at our neighbors, MLS soccer game. I love the father to my children, even the one that is a world away. He is a gentle, loving man. He is the most level, calm, kind man, I know.

Adoption update. There is none. When you struggle with infertility, time becomes two week intervals (two weeks to try-two weeks to see). I am finding that life has become about the day of the week and the time of the day (Monday starts hopeful, Tuesday is the barometer for week, Wednesday and Thursday are the worst because I have figured out that I won't hear, Friday is the climb upwards again for the hope of a new week and maybe answers and movement.) Thank God for Moody because he helped me keep some of my sanity. He captured little B in video and pics. He tried so hard to get her to smile. One started to crack the surface but little B is sure head strong. I sent an email to Jessica on Thursday...it has been 4 weeks since our process took an alternate path. (I do think that God's hand is in it, but don't want to blog about it yet.) We know nothing more than that day-and that day we found out very little. A true lesson in trust and patience. Jason and I are amazed how Jessica's responses are always so sweet and understanding even when she has nothing more to tell us. Please, please, please, information and movement this week. Please, please, good news for this family.

The Weight of the Wait

So, we find ourselves waiting again.  We wait for information.  We wait for a new court date.  We wait to travel.  It has been 3+ weeks since our file was pulled/closed.  We did get some information on Wednesday.  Something that I can wrap my mind around.

Will I ever get good at waiting?  I am improving.  I no longer sit by the phone waiting for it to ring.  I am not obsessing about charging my cell phone.  I don't check my emails constantly.  I am sure that once little one is home...I will forget the weight of the wait.  

Meanwhile, I am working on a scrapbook for little B.  One that has pictures from traveling parents and updates.  I can't get enough of her.  Like every parent, I think she is beyond precious.  I know, I know, obnoxious.  I carry her picture with me and pull it out at every opportunity.  I have bought books that I want to read with her.  I bought her a baby doll that I want to play with her.  I want to hold her little face in my hands.  I want to kiss the boo-boos better.  I want to play with the soft curls on her head.  Most of all, I want to see her smile.  I want to hear her giggle.  I want to see her amazement at the ocean.  Dreams stumbling over dreams for her.  (And could someone capture one of the smiles on film???)

In all, the weight of the wait is being shared with a friend who is amazing and also waiting.  But, I really want to go on a diet (read...I want the weight of the wait lifted).  

Hair today, Gone tomorrow

Jason coaches a club soccer team.  He and the other coach and manager made a deal with the boys.  If they went undefeated the whole year they would shave their hair off.  Tonight they had to pay up.  Pizza and clippers at our house for a 10-0 season.  Great job boys.

Derek getting his locks shaved off.

Jason getting his new look.

This was the threesome before.

The boys got new shirts to commemorate their season.