Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Finding the Joy

My mom has been gone for one month shy of 10 years.  She was a unique woman.  I could go on and on about her.  I wish I had appreciated all that she was when she was alive.  But I was young and stupid.  One of the greatest things I learned from her was finding the JOY.  I grew up in a family that adopted trans racially, in a time well before there were books to read and therapies to try.  My mom knew that love was not enough....but it was a great place to start and end.  All adoption stories have loss (and trauma) and with loss comes sadness and grief.  I have thought long and hard about this, I have attended seminars, webinars, and read countless books.  Just recently I had to put everything I have learned into practice.  A practice that is mine.  Not what the experts say.  Not what other adoptive parents would do.  I had to be authentic.  I want my kids to know JOY.

Bella recently asked me if I could tell her about the day she was born.  I told her that I was not there but I could guess what happened on the day she was born.  She wanted me to guess.  So snuggled up together, I imagined what that day was probably like.  I imagine it was as special as the day my other children where born.  I told her how big she probably was, and who was probably there, and what she probably looked like.  I told her what her first few days were probably like.  Some of it I don't have to guess too much on....She was one happy baby!  She probably rarely cried.  Bella loved her story.  She found the JOY among the pain and loss.  She has asked me a couple times to tell her her birth story again and again.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, how she will continue to process the losses.  But for now, my sweet girl finds the JOY.





6 comments:

Coffee mom said...

Well done mama! Perfect I think. You met her need andyu remembered the joy t be found. I fall down on that int and forget it too often. Thx for reminding me. Miss you! Love this special girl. And you! M

Bonnie Nieuwstraten said...

SO sweet! Grace has asked me that same question so many times. I have always told her that I just don't know the details but I'm sure she was very loved. Now I feel lame! You did such a great job of giving her a joyful memory. But...we do make a BIG deal about the day we met her, and every year we walk through the memories of that in great detail. That is our special day.

Hope you guys are all doing well! We are still waiting....

Youschka said...

Beautiful story!!! And very much to the point.... Love what you write - it's very authentic and heartfelt!!! ❤��

Jen said...

Bonnie, Totally why I finally wrote about it. One day she may not want me to guess but for now, she loves that story like the "first day we met" story. One of the webinars I did, talked about "knowing" more than we think we know about the details of our children's early lives...ie probable not born in a hospital but in hut, probably not put in a stroller but strapped to her mother's back. Those kind of details are important to Bella. Will be praying for you and the process.

Sharon said...

This is great-and I love your confidence in what you know you need to do to be you as a mom (not just the experts, etc.).

Rama Ananth said...

You are such a lovely person, and you are also very inspiring. I wish I could be like you, so understanding and a good human being.