Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A New Day

I think yesterday may have been my lowest point in the adoption process.  Jason talked to Jessica.  It has been two weeks since we heard that they were closing our file and figuring out some things (sorry for being vague).  We have not learned anything new from that  day.  We knew a social worker went to B's village and had returned.  That is all.  Yesterday, we found out they were sending another social worker back down.  

When-we don't know?  
Why-we don't know?  
What will our process look like-we don't know?
Will she be coming home to us-they are confident that she will. (How confident-we don't know?)

Before talking to Jessica, everyone seemed confident that we would be through in a month.  Now, Jason and I are less and less confident that we will make it through before the rainy season.  Yesterday, I was so:

sad-for us and for her (We miss her terribly, but we know she is being loved and cared for well.)
angry-at no one in particular
frustrated-by how long it is taking and the lack of information (I'm type A, researcher, crave information, planner)
spinning my wheels-cleared my schedule, taking no classes (I need a project)

Today, is a new day.  I woke up and kind-of kicked myself in the rear end.  Wrote in my journal.  Prayed.  Read some scripture.  It is amazing to me how strong my faith is when things are going my way but once things veer off the path (that I made) - wow, that faith falters.  (Need to work and pray on that).  I remembered reading something on my friend Em's page.  I went back to find it.  Reread it.  Do we let the circumstances of our lives determine the quality of our lives?  

I do.  

I let it determine my mood, too.  I let myself become preoccupied with the process and neglect the beautiful beings under my roof right now.  The one's that I can have an impact on today.  Also, my husband is better than I deserve.  He took me out last night to get my mind off the new news that there is no news and no promise of news to come this week or maybe next week.  Trust me I have not been the easiest person to live with, as of late.  Not that I am terrible.  Just not so much fun, kind of glum.  Today, is a new day.  I am not bringing my cell phone with me every where.  I am not checking emails, ad naseum.  

I am going to run the errands of a busy household.  I am going to the library to fill my mind with something other than the process of adoption.  I am going to stop feeling sorry for me, us, and for her.  I am going to continue to rejoice in the successes that the adoption community experiences (referrals, court date assignments, and court day passing).  I am going to continue praying for this beautiful girl who passed court and is still not home, and the families who have endured more than I have without whining who sit at the top of the infamous FBI list for referred families.  I am going to enjoy the snipits of information about our little girl that traveling families or a certain sweet orthodontist bring back.  I am going to enjoy her from afar.  I am going to thank God for having new friends in my life who understand and are so supportive.  I am going to trust that the plan He has for us is better than any that I could devise.  

A new day.


Jebena said...

Weeping may endure for a night---but joy, yes HIS joy comes in the morning. You are a blessed, Proverb 31:10 kind of woman --- Hang in there because the joy of the LORD will keep moving you forward!!!!

coffeemom said...

Ah, I do the same darn thing! Letting the circumstances of the day rule my mood and well, everything. A tough habit to break. But doable. And this, this stuck-ness, we are is nothing if not the perfect opportunity to practice,eh?
So glad you got out last night and today is a bit better. It's all gonna be ok. All will be well, I know it. Soon. Much love M

Nicholas said...

I am here - please use me if you're willing and able to vent with. I'm so sorry hun. It's just torture.

Ellen said...

sad - very sad for you guys. I will be praying!

Farmboy and Buttercup said...

I am so sorry to hear of your difficult news. As been said many times, this journey can be so hard!

I, too, struggle with feeling glum during the waiting. Today, God gave me such a gift, as I was posting on my blog, I spent some time with Him and my discouragement lifted and hope flickered more strongly. Now, I KNOW this needs to be a daily thing, and I also KNOW I will fall into the glumness again way more often than I should, but today He gave me such a gift by reminding me as I fix my mind on Him, He is faithful.

Oh, and going to the library and reading things not adoption related. Brilliant.

emily said...

Thank you for this. How great is God that He would allow a post that I wrote in November, encourage you and ME today. Ugggg, why is it so easy to fall back into these patterns?? Oh, because we are man but praise the Lord that He is God!! He is perfect as is His timing perfect and all of this is part of His redeeming all things for His glory. Hang in there.

Moody can't wait to tell her how much her family loves her and can't wait to have her home. :)

Sparkz said...

Oh I hate this for you all. Not knowing is the hardest.

I think your attitude is commendable.

I can't wait until she is home. I wish I had better things to write. Thinking of you guys and hoping you hear good news and quickly.

QB said...

New news of no news is the worst news I've heard in a while. I'm so sorry. I know you're not feeling sorry for yourself or Miss B but, man, that stinks. I'm glad you're lovely husband is taking good care of you. I hope you go easy on yourself and don't feel too bad about feeling bad. I found that to be the hardest thing. Feeling guilty about feeling sad when others have a much tougher, sadder role to play in this process. It's all such tough stuff. I'll be thinking of all of you and sending my most positive, hopeful thoughts and prayers your way.

Justine said...

If there is one thing this process has taught me, it is that when I think I can't handle another moment, I can. I have found stregnth that I never knew I had. You are inspiring me. Tomorrow is a new day. Keep believing. She will be home with you soon.

Adoption Cubed said...

I am so sorry you all are feeling a bit defeated and a bit low. But I am glad you are feeling it, recognizing it, and working through it. I don't know how you could NOT feel those emotions in a situation like this. IT rared its head on many occasion with me. Appreciate and live in the new days when you can. Hope for the new days when you are feeling IT.

It is hard to not be in control, to know there is nothing you can be doing to change the circumstance. The waiting and not knowing is hard. I am so sorry.

Hoping today is A New Day. Hoping you hear confirmed news soon. Hope you are taking care of yourself this weekend.


Jennifer said...

Not getting any information is just the worst torture, isn't it? Limbo-ness. I hope you get good news and soon. Baby girl needs to come home!

Kristi J said...

I'm so praying for you all...As you know, our adoption took a crazy detour that was very difficult, but now that we're finally at the end...Well, those days still weren't easy, but I'm so thankful that they are behind us and you will be too some day...Praying you hear something soon, Kristi

Julie said...

I am sorry you are going through this. Hope you get some news soon.