The Weight of the Wait

So, we find ourselves waiting again.  We wait for information.  We wait for a new court date.  We wait to travel.  It has been 3+ weeks since our file was pulled/closed.  We did get some information on Wednesday.  Something that I can wrap my mind around.

Will I ever get good at waiting?  I am improving.  I no longer sit by the phone waiting for it to ring.  I am not obsessing about charging my cell phone.  I don't check my emails constantly.  I am sure that once little one is home...I will forget the weight of the wait.  

Meanwhile, I am working on a scrapbook for little B.  One that has pictures from traveling parents and updates.  I can't get enough of her.  Like every parent, I think she is beyond precious.  I know, I know, obnoxious.  I carry her picture with me and pull it out at every opportunity.  I have bought books that I want to read with her.  I bought her a baby doll that I want to play with her.  I want to hold her little face in my hands.  I want to kiss the boo-boos better.  I want to play with the soft curls on her head.  Most of all, I want to see her smile.  I want to hear her giggle.  I want to see her amazement at the ocean.  Dreams stumbling over dreams for her.  (And could someone capture one of the smiles on film???)

In all, the weight of the wait is being shared with a friend who is amazing and also waiting.  But, I really want to go on a diet (read...I want the weight of the wait lifted).  

A New Day

I think yesterday may have been my lowest point in the adoption process.  Jason talked to Jessica.  It has been two weeks since we heard that they were closing our file and figuring out some things (sorry for being vague).  We have not learned anything new from that  day.  We knew a social worker went to B's village and had returned.  That is all.  Yesterday, we found out they were sending another social worker back down.  

When-we don't know?  

Why-we don't know?  

What will our process look like-we don't know?

Will she be coming home to us-they are confident that she will. (How confident-we don't know?)

Before talking to Jessica, everyone seemed confident that we would be through in a month.  Now, Jason and I are less and less confident that we will make it through before the rainy season.  Yesterday, I was so:

sad-for us and for her (We miss her terribly, but we know she is being loved and cared for well.)

angry-at no one in particular

frustrated-by how long it is taking and the lack of information (I'm type A, researcher, crave information, planner)

spinning my wheels-cleared my schedule, taking no classes (I need a project)

Today, is a new day.  I woke up and kind-of kicked myself in the rear end.  Wrote in my journal.  Prayed.  Read some scripture.  It is amazing to me how strong my faith is when things are going my way but once things veer off the path (that I made) - wow, that faith falters.  (Need to work and pray on that).  I remembered reading something on my friend Em's page.  I went back to find it.  Reread it.  Do we let the circumstances of our lives determine the quality of our lives?  

I do.  

I let it determine my mood, too.  I let myself become preoccupied with the process and neglect the beautiful beings under my roof right now.  The one's that I can have an impact on today.  Also, my husband is better than I deserve.  He took me out last night to get my mind off the new news that there is no news and no promise of news to come this week or maybe next week.  Trust me I have not been the easiest person to live with, as of late.  Not that I am terrible.  Just not so much fun, kind of glum.  Today, is a new day.  I am not bringing my cell phone with me every where.  I am not checking emails, ad naseum.  

I am going to run the errands of a busy household.  I am going to the library to fill my mind with something other than the process of adoption.  I am going to stop feeling sorry for me, us, and for her.  I am going to continue to rejoice in the successes that the adoption community experiences (referrals, court date assignments, and court day passing).  I am going to continue praying for this beautiful girl who passed court and is still not home, and the families who have endured more than I have without whining who sit at the top of the infamous FBI list for referred families.  I am going to enjoy the snipits of information about our little girl that traveling families or a certain sweet orthodontist bring back.  I am going to enjoy her from afar.  I am going to thank God for having new friends in my life who understand and are so supportive.  I am going to trust that the plan He has for us is better than any that I could devise.  

A new day.

Quiet preparation, friends

School vacation week.  We did not go away.  Andrew had a college recruitment camp and a college visit to Fordham.  Eliza participated in Tom's Awareness Day- April 16.  (I am sure she turned a few heads and a few calls went into DSS about a 14y walking barefoot.  We spent time at the Red Sox, science museum, and the movies.  I have been battling a head cold or allergies.  Anatomy and Physiology class ends in 2 weeks.  I have been preparing for the finals.  

Frenzy has died down.  Peace has been restored :) Room is painted (thanks again, Aldous), dresser and rocker bought, some clothes bought, car seat bought (still in box).... We are concentrating on the humanitarian aid, now.  

We can't wait to have this little cherub home and within our arms.  Because we are not yet in the thick of it, (It being... changing diapers, feeding, napping, playing with B)  we have time to reflect on the process of adopting.  The most unexpected fringe benefit from adopting has been the friends that I have made.  People who have gone out of heir way to drop off a care package for B, or to get a photo of her to hold us over until we get to hold the real deal:)  These friends have become part of our family dinner conversation and prayer as they travel to pick up their child, as they wait to see if they will be traveling, as they wait for court date, as they build wells, as they build muscles, or celebrate first birthdays.  The texture and landscape of our friendships has become richer and even more amazing than it was.  Thank you.

Eleven

Week 11 complete.  This may have been our busiest week.  

*My Dad's 70th birthday celebration was wonderful.  He is great physically and mentally.  Seeing my sisters and brother was nice, also.  We got home, Saturday night.  

*Early Sunday morning Eliza was dropped off at her school to go to the inauguration.  She had an amazing time.  I received a text from her saying, "Stood where MLK gave his speech.  Most moving few seconds of my life."  

*That same day we picked up Gao, our chinese exchange student.  He is a lovely young man, and so quiet.  I don't think I know any boys his age that are so quiet.  We have taken him bowling, sledding, and to the movies.  Andrew had a get together at our house of way too many boys and another exchange student.  Poor Gao, was a little overwhelmed by the noise.  

*A&P II started this week.  I am excited to get the cobwebs off the mind, again.  I have looked into nursing programs.  I feel good about my options.  the next year will be fairly uncertain, though, with little M coming home and settling in.  We will see how that goes before I commit to anything.  The good news is that my sciences don't expire for 10 years. 

*Jason took me for my 41st bday to a Toby Keith concert and a night at a spa.  We did not know what to expect from the concert, but it was great.  The spa treatment was great.  My favorite thing was time alone with him.

*Working out, again.  Okay, I hate to work out.  I hate sweating.  I love yoga, but I am not sure that that I enough.  Especially if I am going to be carrying around 30lbs.  I have hit the weights... another step closer to Little M.

Movement on the addendum is slow.  Think molasses in January.  I am expecting the notarized copies this week.  Once I get those, I can turn around and send it to CIS.  Who knows how long that will take?!  I am starting to feel really excited.  Something that I have not allowed myself to think about.  I have read so many books.  Some I like, some I don't.  Some, its hard to know if I will like them after Little M comes home.

I heard a great quote this week.  Worry about your appearance only if you have nothing better to offer the world.

Nine and a little more paper chasing

So we have finished week 9.  We found out yesterday that we will have to do an addendum to our home study and then file that addendum with CIS. We will also have o get Gladney approval, again.  My impression is that it should not be long processes.  The Gladney approval should not be a big deal, either.  I was so discouraged when I received the news.  I was hoping that it would be simple.  It seemed overwhelming.  I must have been tired of the prospect of more paperwork.  Thankfully, I am married to a wonderful man that must have picked up on my exhaustion... because he volunteered to pick up the baton in the paper chase relay.

*Note to self (and anyone else who cares) when you do the home study have your "preference"  be as broad as it can be.  You will get the opportunity to be more specific, later.  I wish that I had known this at an earlier date.

**So I wrote that a day after getting the email spelling out what we will need to do.  Today, I feel even less overwhelmed.   It is doable.  No the idea of having to get anything from CIS is still  daunting (the timing is scarey-will it take two weeks or two months?).  

A little realness.  When I was pregnant with Eliza, I remember wondering how would I love any child as much as Andrew.  As a child my parents explained that love was similar to the light of a candle.  You don't have a limited quantity to give, it is infinite.  You can light an infinite number of candles from one flame.  It does not diminish the light given off by that one candle, it grows the light around you.  They had five children and I was trying to figure out who they loved most, sure that it was me:)  Skip forward to now.  As we get closer to getting Little M's referral, I have that same nudging feeling (not overwhelming, but on the periphery)...  What if I feel nothing when I see Little M?  I mentioned it to Jason.  I did not think that I could love that man more, but I do after his response.  "But it will be our Little M."  I remember how we thought our children were the most perfect babies.  Every time we went to pick up one of the foster babies, we thought they were just as perfect, just as beautiful, just as much of a gift.  How little faith I have sometimes!  While I may not respond to a photo immediately, Little M has already become part of my dreams.  If you want something great to read about Love... coffeemom said it so beautifully, go read.  

Eight

Week Eight ended last week.  The New Year.  Two weeks of vacation ended today.  We had a week filled with snow, movies, books, games, and family time.  The only thing that would have made the week better was if Little M was here.  

Jessica from Gladney is helping us to figure out what we need to do to "lift" the infant requirement.  Maybe, nothing because we are already approved for a sibling group up to 4.  We are definitely lifting it, though, paperwork or not.  The irony is that we could still end up with an infant.  Just when I think that I know what our family will look like, I get a reminder that I am not in charge.  God has a wonderful sense of humor.  As we pass the time, the excitement is definitely building.  

Two

Week 2.  

Not too much to tell, this week.  I would characterize the mood in the house as patiently excited.  It is so cold in New England.  Andrew is in Florida for National Finals for Super Y.  Before I had a soccer player, this would have been Greek.  How did he get so lucky to be in the relative warmth?  His soccer season with his high school is officially over.  He knows that he made his conference all-star and he will also be captain next year.  In all, a nice way to end the season.  Last year he was an all star as well, but he also fractured his hip.  I was more concerned about the injury than I was excited about him making all-star.  I was not convinced he would be able to play again.  What a difference a year makes!

Eliza and a friend are so excited to see the Twilight movie.  Zach and I will find something fun to do together.  I will have to find some time to study for my A&P final coming up.

A few referrals came in this week.  It is so exciting to see families being made and growing.  We are starting to think about the bedroom configurations.  This is the first time that I feel no pressure to get a nursery set up.  The first time that I am willing "to fly by the seat of my pants."  It is actually fun, to not know the who, the how many, and the when.  Let's see if I still think that it is fun in month 6!  I think not.  

One

Week one complete.  I am a person who likes to check things off the list.  I have been thinking a lot about the process of waiting.  I have friends who are in different stages of the waiting... waiting for court, waiting for referral, waiting for CIS approval, waiting for an appointment, waiting for travel.  I remember when the kids were small that I was always looking forward to the next phase, walking or speaking or whatever the next developmental stage was.  What is it about us that makes us resist the moment, or day that we have been given?  Why can we sometimes be at peace with the moment and then at other times we are but a small sail boat in a vast ocean taken over by a hurricane.  I can identify two days in particular that the winds of the hurricane knocked me off kilter.  I was crazy.  Both of those times were connected directly to my expectations.  Jason has a saying, "expectations are the root of resentment."  Both of those days, paperwork was late, with no explanation.  I had paced myself to wait until those dates, and then when the date changed... I was unprepared.  I am going to count these weeks that go by because I am a list person, but I am going to try and not expect the referral.  

The other part of the equation that his hit me squarely in the heart is that while we wait with joy and excitement, a world away there is a story playing out that is filled with sadness and tragedy.  How do you honor that and wish away the time?  How I have chosen to honor it, is to be more present to my children, to prepare them for their new sibling, to connect and learn from the people who are that many steps ahead of me or behind me in the adoption process and to pray for the birth family.

So all in all, a great week has gone by.  Soccer is quieting down (although, Andrew has Nationals in Tampa next week).  School is picking up.  

Does patience = peace?

Small steps in the adoption front.  We had our conference call with Jessica at Gladney.  She seems lovely.  I am at peace with the wait (at the moment).  I came out of the talk though, thinking.  The closer we get the further it seems.  As we get closer the wait time seems so much longer and painful.  There is a Chinese proverb that says he who knows patience knows peace.  I am not sure if Rebecca, Lori S, and Chelsea would agree ( just to name a few.)  I am so praying for them.  They have been so patient.  Maybe when we surrender to God's time, we know the peace.  I don't know.  I do know that at some moments I am so at peace and others I am so crazy.  They seem so peaceful and are handling this wait so gracefully that when I get to where they are, I can only hope that I handle it as well.

Going to a talk tonight on Surviving the Teen Years While Keeping Your Sanity at BC High. I will have tons of food for thought. Most importantly, I think she is approaching the issues with a sense of humor. I absolutely subscribe to that. I am sure I will feel compelled to write on that.

So have I mentioned (this week) that I love CBS?  I do.  This week , a couple things hit me.  How do I decide what impact people have in my life?  How often do they tell me what they know I want to hear?  Do I/we listen or take advice from a talk show host, a radio commentator, friends , "experts"?  Not bad, just notice who influences us.  Why do I turn to God for the crisis or big decisions but ask for no guidance with the small ones?  hmmmm  This week I am going to write down all the small or big decisions (should we move to a bigger house? should we change our referral? what do I need to do about a friend who just does not "get" disrupting the balance and adopting? -to-  how should I decorate the sun room?  what should I make for dinner?-just to name a few)  Instead of going to the usual source of advice, I am going to prayerfully ask for answers.  ("You may be surprised at how faithfully He answers when you get into the habit of asking Him for advice."- from the Community Bible Study workbook)  I also realized how much I miss my mother who died a little over five years ago.  She was amazing at helping me to reflect without telling me what I wanted to hear or what she wanted me to do.  Oh well.  

Priorities?

One of the exercises in CBS (community bible study) was to identify your priorities by looking at your checkbook and your calendar.  This one, was eye opening.  We spend an inordinate amount of time at soccer, playing it or coaching it.  It is interesting to see where we give of most of our time and money.  Are these areas really our priority?

That being said, fall is underway.  Both boys play on two teams.  Andrew's high school team is doing well.  More importantly he has stayed healthy.  We are only half way through the season, so prayers would be greatly appreciated.   He had a serious concussion spring of '07 and an avulsion hip fracture fall '09.  I take nothing for granted.  I pray during the games - for all of the boys.  Zach is also doing well.  That boy can not get enough of soccer.  Eliza is doing crew and riding (her passion).  Jason is coaching two teams and playing soccer, as well.  Soccer, soccer,  and more soccer.  (The only thing I can say in defense of how much time we spend with soccer is that we do it as a family.)

Andrew is driving.  In MA you get your learner's permit at 16 and 6 months later your license.  I hate it.  The first night he was driving home from school (highway driving) I thought that I would be sick to my stomach.  It has gotten easier (a bit), but I miss when I had to strap him into the stroller.

As for me, I am loving my classes.  CBS has been great.  I love history.  I love the Ethiopian connection.  I love the lessons.  I am excited to learn more about the book that is central to my beliefs.  Anatomy and Physiology, too, has been great.  the professor is very nice but not a great teacher.  I love the material, though, so I don't mind reading the text.  The only downside to all the learning is sometimes, I am exhausted at the end of the day.  I am trying to be mindful of that, to save some energy for Jason. Last night, we played backgammon while we talked, and the older kids finished homework.  We use to play backgammon all the time in college.

On the adoption front, I fed-exed our notarized home study to CIS and to KSB, yesterday.  That should complete our 1600a (we completed our fingerprints this summer).  I will wait for the 171. While we are waiting for the paperwork phase to be closed out, I went to a workshop on  Building your family through Birth and Adoption.  Great food for thought.  How do you building a cohesive unit and celebrating differences?  Today, I am participating in a workshop/webinar on how/when to share the difficult story with the adopted child (Ethiopia specific).  While waiting on the paperwork, I love the classes as a way to stay connected to the process.  

My goal is to get our calendar in balance with our true priorities.  

Zen

The foolish mans seeks happiness in the distance; the wise man grows it under his feet. - James Oppenheim

We are not officially on the wait list but it is getting close, very close.  When I saw this quote by Oppenheim, it struck a chord. 

Adoption, I have discovered is about waiting.  Different periods of waiting.  Waiting for an appointment.  Waiting for CIS.  Waiting for the wait list.  Waiting for the referral.  Waiting for the court date.  Waiting for travel.  Waiting.  I remember waiting when I was pregnant, but I had an end date.  You have a boundaries that are concrete.  The first trimester is a defined period.  The second, too.  And even the third.  None of the waiting periods in adoption are set by a number of days.  There is such a pull to think about the future.  To plan for the future.  To dream about the family we are to become.  Is it at the expense of the family we are today?  I have been working hard to not let tomorrow be the thief of today.  It is so hard.  I am making a concerted effort to enjoy the calm in the house.  Being able to watch the soccer matches without interruption.  The relative ease that 3 children are.  The time I have with Jason.  The routines that we have established.  The discussions at the dinner table that are almost adult-like.

I know that life will be chaotic and exhausting for a while (maybe a long while) after we have our new child/ren.  Yet, we wait with excitement.