When God's Plan is Different than Your Own

We received an RFE.  Request for more evidence.  Yesterday after seeing other people clear in a day from Nairobi, I was in tears.  Really unusual for me.  Jason never sees me in tears.  But I was fatigued by the obstacles and the fighting to bring this beautiful boy home.  I think I have said this countless times...I am an experienced adoptive parent.  Yeah right!  So he went to work, and talked to the attorney who had just found out that we would be receiving an RFE.  His first response apparently..."How am I going to tell Jen, she is already in tears."  Truly it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt like I was a 6 year old child, sobbing every moment I was alone.  I just could not see out of this hole...what other evidence could we present?  We had already presented supplementary evidence.  The grief was/is at times physical.  My heart hurt.  I could not get a coherent thought together and could not pray anything other than, "Help me."  Wow, writing this even sounds overly dramatic.  See, that calendar math is devastating and I am convinced, a trap.  Efa's birthday is next week.  Why has that become such an important deadline to me?  It is clear that my plan and God's plan are a little different.  Month's ago in my bible study, there was something that hit me hard.  Are we proclaiming to be Christian but living as atheists, not trusting in God's plan for our life.  It made such an impact I quoted it at a very safe time.  I said, "when things don't go the way you want them to is where the rubber meets the road in faith."  Jenn and Tom, you may remember me even saying it.  Ohh, am I regretting saying that?   

I don't know what this week will hold.  I imagine I will have some more hard sad moments.  My heart is not hurting as much, though.  I have hope.  He has met me where I am, angry, hurt, sad, and heartbroken.  Ironic that in bible study the kids are learning about the days before Easter.  The ugliness, pain, and sadness.  But the story does not end there.  That is the beauty.  Easter came.  Jesus conquered all of that.  He rose.  So with that same hope, I meet each day.  This story will end with an amazing blessing.  Efa.  A child chosen for us.  How can I be so lucky?  So blessed?  So again, we wait.  I think when I am done, I will have a PhD in patience.  

Just when the "radio silence" was deafening.....

Anyone who has been sent to Nairobi knows that the days after being sent are excruciatingly quiet.  For so many weeks and days while your file is at USE, you become so connected to your emails.  You check at 11:30pm and then again at 6am and then by 9am you are looking forward to the next day.  This is the craziness that creeps out of us PAP, wishing away a day-CRAZY.  Forgetting that each day is a gift.

So we were sent on Tuesday, or so we thought.  After being sent, Jason sent several emails out.  One to USCIS with a copy of our cover letter identifying our supplementary submissions of our extra investigation.  After our experience with the embassy, we could not trust our file would be sent in its entirety. He also asked USCIS to check that it had in fact been sent, as we were aware of a family that had been told that they were sent but were in fact not sent for another week.

Sweet boy with his big boy haircut....

Well, this morning the silence was, again, deafening.  I had a supernatural sense of peace about me.  I did ask Him to continue to give me peace about the wait and His role in the wait.  And then the email came through.... an email from USE giving us our tracking number and confirmation that our file had been delivered.  On checking the tracking number....the file had not left on Tuesday, it left after the close of business on Wednesday and was overnighted and courier serviced to USCIS.  Hmmmm.  Did not know that they could overnight it?  Did someone call and check on it and discover it had not been sent on Tuesday as we were told?  We will never know.  But I do know that things are moving.  Now we wait for clearance or an RFE (request for evidence).

Truly, today my heart was full.  There have been blessings throughout this hard hard process.  I have learned so much more about God.  I have truly wrestled and screamed at Him.  I have been furious with Him.  After all, what good will come from making Efa wait?  Perhaps I will never know.  But I do know that He has got this covered, and that He is okay with my not getting my way.  And that somehow He has planned this too.  In it all, I have grown closer to Him.  

Nairobi

I think that this little guy may be a goofball.

He is well loved.

Drills while he waits

Sweet boy

We wait.  Our file has been sent to Nairobi.  As much as we expected the email, it still punches you in the gut.  I can not bring myself to look at the calendar and see where that will bring us.  Even writing about it makes me cry.  It has been 8 months since his referral.  It has been 4 months since we met him.  It has been 7 weeks since our submission...but the timekeeping does nothing to change the fact that we wait.   I know that the calendar is a tool of despair in the process of adoption.  After all, I am an "experienced" adoptive parent...can you hear the sarcasm?  I was really careful not to plan on him being home by Christmas.  However I thought for sure that we would travel in January.  And in my mind, I started to think how special his 2nd birthday would be in March.  March 17th.  March 17th, he will not be home, though.  I fell into the horrible trap of having a calendar of expectations.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  Psalm 73:23

Hard Stuff

When we got our referral, we thought that we would have to wait but Efa would definitely be home by the end of the year.  Then we thought January.  Now we are not sure he will be celebrating his second birthday with us.  We wait.  We aren't the first and unfortunately we won't be the last.  So to bring you up to date.  We were submitted 5 weeks ago after we decided to hire an attorney, re-tracing, and re-interviewing the witnesses.  In the "stake-holder" meeting that DOS held in October they asked parents to take an active part in verifying and challenging the story that the agencies were telling.  Our agency has been transparent from the start.  As soon as they heard the DOS conference call, the PAP's have to go over the paperwork of their child.  There is nothing hidden.  We went the extra steps because the DOS asked PAPs to.  Our agency placed and add and hung fliers looking for BM, as well.  So, in affect, DOS says jump, we (and agencies) say, "how high?"

So then after spending thousands more on an already expensive adoption, we submitted a more complete file.  RFE ready was our standard.  Jan 10 we were submitted.  The first error by the embassy, they emailed our information to the wrong family.  This family was submitted several weeks before us.  So now we know that the file has been corrupted with other/their information.  Two weeks later USE requests the phone number of the police officer who brought Efa to the orphanage.  Delay tactic.  The phone number is already in our file.  DOS says jump, we say, "how high?"  Our agency provides the numbers a day and a half later, Jan 26.  At this point, our Senator and Representatives are involved We forward the email to them and say it looks like things are moving again.  A week later.  Nothing.  Senator reaches out again.  And the response is a little puzzling to them.  The embassy responds and says, "Gosh, we have only just received the numbers on the 30th"  Our Senator notices the date discrepancy and comments...hmmm, why the few days difference?  Meanwhile, no news.  This past week, we reached out again, this time to our agency.  Have the witnesses been contacted.  They asked the social worker on the ground to check....no, the policeman has not been contacted.  We received an email form the embassy, last Friday.  They had contacted the witness on Feb 2 and Feb 7, but he was in training, so they would reach out again today.  Well, as it turns out, our social worker is in ET right now, so we emailed and asked....can you verify this with the police officer.  They called him Sunday.  No, the embassy has never called him.  They are ready to take and expecting the call from the USE.  Still no call today.

The long and short.....is the embassy lying?  are they calling the wrong witness?  are the police lying (why would he? He has already been interviewed two times)  Even if it all a big misunderstanding...why a call once a week?  This is NOT a "deal" or a "program"  this is a little BOY.  Why not call several times a day or a week.  

This part has been hard.  Hard like I have never had before.  Hard.  It has been close to 17 weeks since we met him.  8 months since our referral.  Today there is no end in sight.  I do know that it WILL end.  I have been like Jacob wrestling with God on the banks of the river.  Me saying...NOW.  Him saying...NOT YET.  

Philippians 4:4-7

 ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Funny, how I have always loved 6-7 but never paid too much mind to 4-6.  I cling to 4-6 now.  It tells me what to do, Rejoice and to work on my gentleness (hard) and promises me that He is near.  This little boy will come home.  I know that.  But at what cost to him and to us.  I understand and want ethical adoptions.  I think all reasonable parents want ethical.  But I think we all also want our embassy to be ethical.    

Update and Valentine's Day

Have you seen anything so beautiful as this little guy?  So sweet it hurts.  The sensation of watching his babyhood slip away, like beach sand through my fingers.  We are waiting.  We are waiting for USE to call our witnesses.  Tempted to travel, dial and hand over the phone.  But, truly I can't even go there.  Bella's adoption even with the delay was not this painful.  I can't even hear, "like labor, you will forget this."  I have decided to not post about it, though.  Can't.  Not yet.  I am praying without ceasing.  I now He has got this.

I am going to post about Valentine's Day.  I am so excited about what I am going to surprise Jason with.  It has been therapeutic to think about a new way of telling Jason, "I love you."  Whenever we have added a child to the family, we have made every effort to find ways to stay connected when we are exhausted, and pulled in a different direction.  Valentine's Day is falling just as we are about to add another little one.  So, I am surprising Jason with a dozen dates.  The catch,we are on a budget, college and adoption will do that to you.  My inspiration came from something I saw on Pinterest.

12 prepaid dates

Some of the dates I have planned:

World's End

1. Walk in World's End and hot chocolate.  There is something about the snow, the quiet, the deer, at dawn.

2. Brunch at Beehive Boston and skating on Frog pond.

3. Historic tour of the North End (downloaded to iPhone) and Mike's pastries.

4.  An evening at the Museum of Fine Arts (free every Wednesday) and then the cheese platter and wine at the restaurant.

Just to name few.  I have a few more than 12 that I have identified.  Now I have to take a few out.  All of the dates are inexpensive and pretty uncomplicated.  I tried to come up with some that were good in the winter, spring, summer, and fall.  Planning the dates have been so much fun.  The kids are helping.  I almost feel bad that he is missing out on that part.

If you don't like the weather, wait a minute...

In New England there is a saying..."If you don't like the weather, wait a minute."  I think it accurately describes news in adoption.

So here is the latest update.  We have been in a holding pattern.  Our case mirrors another case, right down to the same witnesses.  Before you cry "Foul!" if you were to hear the details...it makes sense.  They were sent to USCIS.  So we were trying to decide if we wait to see what would happen with them or hire the attorney and make sure our submission was as complete as possible.  I believe that we are the first case to hire the attorney proactively.

One of the things we are doing is re-interviewing the witnesses with extremely detailed questions.  But it has been almost 2 years.  One of the witnesses may have moved, and another is not sure that they want to talk.  This morning, is a good example of how it rolls...one email telling us that one of the witnesses does not want to talk to anyone.  The next, saying that they have changed their mind and will talk.  Then a third saying...the case that we mirror has been cleared, with out an RFE.  (An answer to many prayers.)  Good news also for us.

Today, I must be particularly fragile.  I am tired of the ride.  I just want to bring him home.  I am so thankful for Kathy, our case worker, my friends who sit and listen to my complaining about the USE (thank you, Katy), and last but not least, my prayer warriors who are storming heaven with prayers.  Wow, what would I do without them?  So we trudge on, through the muck and mire of international adoption.  I can't wait for the metaphorical rain to stop and the rainbow to appear.  And stuck in my back pocket for those moments that I get pulled into the flood...and can't remember what I am holding fast to...is this scripture: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11  I remind myself that these words are written for Efa, too.

hmm...no, Tom Brady does not ring a bell.

mine.

Okay folks, lets get back to business at hand...football.

And then I get a glimpse of the rainbow.  Pictures of our boy from Becky and CHI and a text from Emily.  Efa is happy outside playing with the big boys.

6 weeks

This post is all about me. I mean that in an obnoxious self-pitying transparent way. The 6 weeks since we have met our little man have been an amusement ride of emotion.  The disappointment of not passing on the day of our court date gave way to the elation of passing two weeks later.  Then we moved to dreaming about when we would be bringing him home.  Braided in is the sadness that Efa would be leaving the only home he has known, the only woman he has known as "mom", and the "family" he has loved and been loved by.  We have our birth certificate and our passport.

The ride has just gotten terrifying.  Watching a friend with a different agency who traveled with us, pass court, be submitted, clear, and leave to bring home... So excited to welcome home E.  (Did I mention she is the same age as Bella and I love her mom?)  Watching my sweet friend Emily, pass court, be submitted, and clear (thank you Lord).  We have not been submitted to embassy.  I trust that our agency is doing everything they can to be submitted and successful at the embassy level.

But this brings me to my pets.  We have two new pets-Discouragement and Impatience.  Actually, I am not sure how new they are.  They are normally caged, but they are sneaky, and often escape and run rampant in the house.  They are quite destructive.  The craziest things can release them.  They feed on the most unexpected things...expectations are like a Red Bull to them.  They go crazy!  I hate admitting it.  But I am truly hoping to vanquish them from the house.  As I am becoming more aware of them and their triggers...I have come to realize that they did not move in just recently.  They think that they have lived here forever.

So, I wait.  I wait to be submitted in this beautiful season where we await the Greatest Gift.  The parallel is not lost on us.  In fact it becomes even more clear why I need Him.  I am so flawed.   My heart aches to bring this little boy home.   I pray for his case to be submitted.  I pray that the USE sees the evidence and allows Efa to come home.  I pray for patience.  I pray for a stronger faith.  I pray for encouragement.  I pray not to feel forgotten.

May the God of hope fill (me) with all joy and peace as (I) trust in Him, so that (I) may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13